September 28, 2012

SOMETIMES YOU JUST 

HAVE TO STAND ALONE

 TO PROVE THAT 

YOU CAN STILL STAND!

September 27, 2012

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired. Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision. Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy. Trust, even when your heart begs you not to. Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see. Frolic, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring. Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more. And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”

Billy Holiday

September 26, 2012

Life is like having car insurance, you don't plan on anything going wrong, but it's prudent to protect yourself from the unexpected," I am fully covered!  I need GAP insurance!

I am Powerless

POWERLESS - devoid of strength or resources; lacking the authority or capacity to act; handcuffed, helpless, high and dry, hog-tied, paralyzed, weak. Is there any other form of powerlessness that I've forgotten?  I'm trying with all of my might to arrest this FEAR, so the crying games begin.  I've cried over the cell-phone locking up, the television, the heat, the cold, the pets, hell, I'll cry for those who can't shed a tear, if it saves them from FEAR.  Fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of today, fear of tomorrow and tomorrow isn't even here yet, fear of fear itself.  I'm afraid of my own shadow for fuck sake.  WHY?  Why am I so afraid?  My eyes are heavy as is my heart, I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid what dreams may come, and if and when they do, what will they say, what will they mean, if anything other than, "YOU ARE AFRAID OF LIFE".  It's true.  I am afraid.  I have my sights set, and believe me they are not set high, they are within reason.  I am not an unreasonable girl.  I simply want love. I want to feel it, I want to embrace it, I want to run, and laugh with it.  I have that don't I?  Then why?  If I have all that I'm after; why am I not happy?  Why do I live in fear?  If I scream loud enough will the answer come my way, will someone give me the answers I've been searching for, will I finally find closure to all that has weighed me down?  Will I be able to smile from within and have it show?  Can I stand tall for all that it's worth and actually know my own worth, or is that so distorted that I've lost sight of that as well through fear?  Am I dead?  Is all of this really worth writing about?  Is anyone actually reading all that I say, all of the shit that forms thoughts, as I sit here and tap away as I do so well.  I feel like I've been defeated, by myself.  My reflection is distorted as it always has been, however; lately it's become foreign to me.  I don't recognize myself, and I don't like the person I see when I see that reflection looking back at me.  Who is she?  Why is she so frail looking?  Why are her eyes so sad and alone?  Is there anyone even in there?  Can I talk to her?  FUCK!  I'm exhausted. I feel completely helpless, hopeless, and powerless.  These are the thoughts that consume me daily.  I feel absolutely powerless over my entire life right now.  DAMN.  There has got to be an end in sight.  Til tomorrow.

September 25, 2012

As fear fills the room, every room that is, I sit and wonder why I allow it to consume me. I know it's there, I sense it's presence yet I do nothing to escape it today. I take time out to catch a breathe or two, then resume my place amongst the living dead. I allow thoughts of fearful events (of which have not taken place) to crowd every inch of my being, and overwhelm me. I should shrug these things off as if it were a leaf floating by however; I haven't the strength to stand up to it or them. It's as if I've given in to this demonic being, although it be non-existent visibly. I hear it's voices, and it scares me half to death. I know it's lurking around every crevice every corner awaiting my arrival. What dreams may come true this time? It's unthinkable to say the least. There it is, FEAR, watching, waiting with it's seething teeth. It's perpetual thirst for my last drop of sanity. Not an ounce of common courtesy either, for it knows no such thing. It's voracious talons continue to dig deep, scraping the bones after the flesh has been removed from scars that had been dug previously. Am I to put to rest myself for all eternity or continue dragging myself through painful "life experiences", or do I immerse myself in the IDEA that a "happily ever after" could possibly exist? Which direction shall I turn, and if I make the wrong decision (as I'm accustomed to) will I persevere, OR will I finally admit complete defeat and give up? Is there anyone who truly gives a flying fuck whether or not I am allowed peace and happiness? I have yet to encounter a single LIVING soul. Selfish thoughts consume the universe, everyone for themselves or so it's said. 

I'm Not Perfect