Me and You....

February 15, 2012

Okay. I do overreact.

Have you ever been in love?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

February 13, 2012

I either am, or I'm not, I either do or I don't, why though? Is it too much to ask that everything be "black and white?" There is no need to further complicate matters, just let them be, let me be. I strive daily to block all that is negative, yet there is always one crack in the frame that allows the shit to come pouring in and in doing so, tears once again at flesh that's oh so soft. It burns a little at first, and the blood that follows is horrifying, yet I allow it to continue. The scars are more visible today than that of yesterday. I often wonder if, and when, perhaps why and how much longer too. I just want absolution, I need that in my life today. I have no need to wander around aimlessly hoping and fearing what is to come. I'm 41 years old for fuck sake, how much longer must I wait? What is it that I am not providing for all to see that it is my time, finally it's my time. You're damn right I want. I want what all little girls since as far back in time as it goes, dream of. I want the Happily Ever After. I want the security, and the comfort of another. I deserve that much don't I? Why is it that I can't have what others' take for granted? Fuck!!! I'm rambling.

February 9, 2012

There are moments, seldom yet clear moments of clarity.  So crystal clear that I can almost reach towards the sky and take hold of.  What it is I am desperately trying to outstretch my arms towards, or hold in my hands is not quite clear, but there is something.  I see it.  I have touched it yet never held it close.  Why are so many things uncertain.  Why do I question everything that surrounds me?  Why? Why? Why?  I'm almost convinced that I hold the key to unlocking those answers, yet I somehow wonder....I wonder long and hard, perhaps too long and too hard.  I create images and circumstances in my own head, and GOD knows what happens when I release those thoughts...it's a whirlwind of chaos, and next thing ya know, all HELL is breaking loose and being set free.  I see it right in front of my very own eyes.  I can feel the pressure building, the doubts forming into these scenarios that I create, probably to pacify an angst that once was, and I just can't seem to let go of.  None of that matters, because the switch has been flipped to the on position and it's off to the races for my mind....This is going to be one hell of a fucking ride.

January 28, 2012

I've realized that my blog has contained frustration, emotional distress, anger, resentment but nothing along the lines of building and maintaining a relationship with another. 

Relationship defined ...an emotional or other connection between people, a romantic or sexual involvement.  An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate love and attachment, or sexual activity. The term is also sometimes used euphemistically for a sexual relationship.



Intimate relationships play a central role in the overall human experience. Humans have a universal want to belong and to love which is satisfied within an intimate relationship. Intimate relationships consist of the people that we are attracted to, whom we like and love, romantic and sexual relationships, and those whom we marry and provide and receive emotional and personal support from. Intimate relationships provide people with a social network of people that provide strong emotional attachments and fulfill our universal need of belonging and the need to be cared for.

Does this qualify one to be co-dependant upon another and/or others for that matter.  I am compelled to believe that it is I whom is indeed the inadequent one in the relationship.  Concvincing myself that I am, and am not able to meet
the needs of MY significant other.  Is it perhaps that I obssess over the fact that my inadequecies are more than what they seem, and in doing so causing a recoil within my own psyche?  I do feel that I belong, but (and there it is...the BUT) I often wonder if there should be something more, something that I am unaware of that needs to be provided. 

I have spent so many days and nights in my own mind, arguing back and forth with myself, in hopes that I might find the answer.  The reason another would back away.  The emotional intimacy is there, and the support and understanding, but there is more...something is amiss and I can't help but believe it all lies on my shoulders.  The same shoulders that could once endure pain and rejection, emotional and physical abuse and yet today I feel as though I haven't a fight left in me, no strength to move forward, and I am most certainly afraid of this feeling.  Is it a conceivable thought that perhaps I am truly wrong in blaming myself and have yet to see past my own nose in spite of myself?  Why would I and why do I for that matter continuously believe that it is in fact all my own doing?

I still feel like a prisoner in my own mind.

Excuses by Peter Marinelli

Do I make excuses to justify my inaction or my inappropriate actions?


Do I make excuses to continue living with old ideas and prejudices that inwardly harm me and outwardly harm others?


Do I find some sort of comfort in my excuses that allow me to isolate from life and others?


Are not many of my excuses the result of fear?


How long do I want to live in the world of excuses rather than living in the world of the spirit? Oh no here comes an excuse. “The only people who live in the world of the spirit are enlightened people and I’ll never be one of them”.


I’ll never get in shape I’m too old or too busy.


I’ll never find a mate, no one wants me because I’m ugly or I don’t have enough money, etc.


Isn’t it time to be rid of the things that are keeping us down?


Isn’t it time to be rid of the judge, jury and executioner, we call the thinking mind, and its' best friend fear.


Just asking.


Blessings,


Chop wood carry water
Peter Marinelli