November 12, 2012

What's really in a name?  Kelly for instance means "warrior woman".  What exactly does that mean?  Is is from ancient times?  Does it mean that I physically fought or is it meant that I am emotionally and psychologically a warrior, that I will fight for whatever it is?  I need answers and it seems the more questions I ask the more that go unanswered.  Is it out of hurting my feelings, because as I've stated I have none left.  I don't want to feel...not ever again.  I want to forever remain emotionless.  I don't want to know hurt, sorrow, joy, happiness, love...I don't want to know any of it.  Fear however; will remain with me for all eternity.  I have embraced it's powerful embrace and now carry it with me where ever I may go.  I long for nothing.  I want for nothing.  I need for nothing.  I have been cast to the side like a piece of trash thrown into the wind for the last time.  I hurt for days, I cried for hours, and now without a tear to shed I walk alone.  Alone into the darkness of a world that I have created for myself.  A very lonely one I might add.  I've had opportunities along the way to change the emptiness I have felt and I have turned my back on all of them, because I knew that the purity of the intentions were not so pure.  Pure with evil, yet not divine purity.  I will continue to walk this narrow path I have created for myself, being certain to put my blinders on so as to not be distracted by any obstacles that may come my way.  I will NOT EVER allow another close enough to hurt me.  That warrior woman I spoke of has laid down her sword and shield and called a truce with loneliness and all of the obscurities it may bring.  It's an eery feeling, knowing that I have created my own misery... therefore; I will refrain from contact with others in order to prevent them from falling prey.  Misery after all, loves company, and I refuse to bring another down with me.  That warrior woman is no longer a warrior but a coward, the fighting has ceased...finally...no more fighting.

November 9, 2012

Often I wonder what purpose it is that I serve! I've dealt with all of the manipulative bullshit I care to for the rest of this life. I don't understand why some feel it necessary to treat ME like I am non-existent for the most part only to need me when it suits their fancy? Why do I allow this shit to happen? What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't see what's right in front of my face? I make myself sick to my own stomache. I wish that I could reach deep inside and rip out my insides so that I was hollow. No emotions, no feelings left to be trampled upon. What a wonderful day that would be.

November 8, 2012

All living things require nourishment. Water to grow, love to sustain, air to breathe, love to sustain, sun to embellish all else surrounding, love to sustain. Without these plants wilt, animals suffer, love dies, human beings become malnourished and sickly, love dies. I need the same nourishment in order to grow. I have been neglected for far too long, and now my flowers have died off and my leaves are wilting, the soil below me is dry and I fear I have lost LOVE. I can no longer embrace it, I can't smell it, taste it nor feel it. Love has died as so will I if there is no one to help bring me back to life. I need the sun to shine on me, I need the air to breathe, I need to be nourished and brought back to life...

It came to pass...

And so it came to pass that I now realize that I must take my place, as hard as it has been for me to come to terms with all that has been and not been my heart is broken. No, it's shattered once again. I allowed myself to feel, for a short while even after I swore I would never again. It just happened. I was taken by surprise. I should have learned from past experiences that I am not worthy of LOVE. I have no business giving nor receiving such grand emotion. I am sorry to those who felt neglected in any way, shape or form. My intentions as always were as pure as a little girls dreams. After all that's all I have left...those dreams I once knew. They have been extinguished by a flood of displaced emotion. I will no longer burden those with my "baggage". You are all set free! I will be okay and maybe one day, someday I will crawl out from under the ashes of my broken soul and stand tall. I wish I knew for certain the outcome of all of this. I am scared. FEAR has control of me and I am giving in to him. I haven't the strength nor the courage to put up a fight for what I want. Til tomorrow.

Something's Happening Here...

November 6, 2012

I AM LOST! I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND MYSELF INSIDE OF ME. I DIG DEEP AND COME UP EMPTY HANDED. I AM SCARED, AND LOST!

November 1, 2012

Last is not a position I want to become accustomed to, therefore; I am taking extreme measures to avoid being placed there. That's my "FINAL ANSWER"!