February 24, 2011

It has taken me this long to gain the courage to confront myself with damages I have caused others'.  Needless to say as we were growing up I was so full of rage and resentments and always took out all of my frustrations on two individuals who had absolutely nothing to do with any of it.  Why?  I have no explanations.  I can only say, the torment that I have put you through, my actions were so evil I should have been put away.  I cannot say "I'm sorry", because it doesn't change what I've done, or how I've felt all of these years holding all of this in. 

My dearest Brother;

I owe you my life, in that, I feel there were many times that I could have taken yours, out of complete and utter anger and hatred for myself.  I did and said so many things that I have carried with me for all of these years, and in doing so have caused myself alot of grief.  I've tried everything to cover up these feelings, and none of them have helped, only masked the pain for short periods of time.  I need you to know that, 'I', don't think I knew what I was doing, but I cannot be certain, and if it's any concelation, I am sorry I was so horrible and mean, and I only hope that you can forgive me.  I have blamed EVERYONE, but myself for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong or right for that matter, and now I know that the only one responsible for my life is ME.  I only pray that I can finally let go of this one minute part of me, let it go completely, because it is haunting.  I sit up at nights', most nights and cry silently because I am so confused and lost, and lonely, and have hated myself for so f@#*ing long, it's taken me til' now to gather up the courage to tell you that I was not a good sister, and certainly didn't deserve you as a brother.  I know this...I love you, I am so effin proud of you, I wouldn't exchange you for the world.

My Best-friend;

You have inspired me, whether you did so intentionally, or by blind faith, nonetheless inspired ME.  I never imagined that we would someday be calling one another "best-friends", I hurled at the thought.  How can my sister be my friend, she's my sister, we're not supposed to be friends.  I was wrong.  I love you and you have given me back my sight, figuratively speaking.  Clear thoughts occassionally cloud my decisions, because I have lived in a fog for most of my life, whether intentionally or not, I was there.  I've found myself, and I'm beginning to like who I am.  Have I been this person all along?  I don't know, but I really do like who I am becoming.  We are so much alike in that, when you're going through moments or fits of rage and anger, I try to redirect you as I would myself, because I have feared all of these years that perhaps I am the reason for those fits.  I don't believe I ever truly said to any of you that "I LOVE YOU", and meant it.  I do love you, and I do mean it.  A heartfelt love, one that causes tears to flow uncontrollably, pains in the stomache creep up, and my heart aches, that's the love I feel for you, and my brothers'.

February 9, 2011

Sitting in solace always forces my mind to wander...in and out of this daze, this fog that I have single-handedly created on my own, without knowledge.  I ponder thoughts of "happiness" as if I were a child once again, believing that my "prince charming" will someday soon show himself.  HA!  Not one morsel of criticism though has passed by me today of all days, feeling alone...I mean really, is this what I have succumbed to?  Desperation in thoughts, and thoughts turning into words and phrases and perhaps eventually making some sense of all that is locked in my mind, my soul...my entire being depends on these moments of clarity.  I find comfort in the eyes of others', in words spoken directly or indirectly, for whatever reason, I do.  I have heard on many occasion that the "eyes are the windows to our soul", if by chance there lies the most minuscule amount of truth in those words, I await, because my soul is empty, and crying out, waiting for that hand to reach for mine, wanting to see myself in the eyes' of others.

February 7, 2011

I am aspiring to inspire others'.

February 3,2011

"I brought myself a lot of unnecessary misery by thinking it was my responsibility to manage and direct other people's lives. I believed it was solely up to me to make everyone else happy and secure. So I continually placed everyone else's needs first until I didn't know who I was or what I needed for my own happiness and comfort. It's exhausting and insane to try to second-guess everyone. Not only that, it doesn't give me or anyone else credit for being able to think, feel, or act for himself."

January 21, 2011

Today of all days....I presume would be the best day....to start anew.  I believe in taking leaps of faith, only when all faith has not been lost.  I strive to be a better person, in it's entirety, although others' sit in fear while I begin to spread my wings, knowing full well that their time with me has subsided.  I am growing as an individual, and am able to think clearly, more so daily, and I'm discovering that 'YES' there are genuine men and women out there, that do indeed want nothing more than friendship in exchange for the exact same.  Some are more inspiring than others' and I look to them for advice whether directly or indirectly.  I was most certainly "HAPPY" last night, unbelievably so that it was most terrifying, because I was not at all aware that I still possessed that emotion.  Nothing particular was said nor done, just a glance while speaking amongst other's was all I needed, reassurance of sorts perhaps, in knowing that YES it is possible to feel these feelings almost always.  I take a deep breathe in, hold it, then release, and I am right where I need to be for this moment, and the next and so on.

January 13, 2011

     Does anyone other than myself realize the absolute anguish caused when one is let down? I'm not referring to being let down by a significant other (or whatever you call them) or 'love', for 'love' is one of the grandest of all facades. I am speaking personally let down, disgusted, wanting to spew vomit let down. I've brought most of this on myself, caused more pain and discomfort on my own and I have decided that I am moving on, I can not wait for those whom have NO direction, No motivation to find themselves, not now, not ever, not again in this life time. I am taking time for me, because I was once the one with no direction, no motivation. I will not be stagnated by the likes of any of you nor by the likes of the "old" me. I am aspiring to be a new "ME" and learning to love ME slowly. I'm freeing myself and I owe no one anything. Where were the bulk of you when I needed strength, when I lost faith in myself? I searched for someone and to no avail there wasn't a soul to be found, so what makes you think NOW is a good time to step in and offer your "services" or even contemplate the thought? Try this one on for size, "F@#* YOU!" That's all I've got for those of you who are of the least significance to me, my children and the rebuilding of my life.


     Emotional ups and downs at this point are unavoidable and still a very big part of my daily life, and my letting go, and of the experiencing of new. I am so enthused with anticipation of what is YET to come. I have my entire life ahead of me, that is if I continue to maintain a sane or almost sane way of thinking and living, with those that will "benefit" me, as opposed to my old ways of allowing others' to stagnate and drag me down. Perhaps I've allowed this for so long because I did in fact lose sight of what was most important, ME. I lost any respect I had, had and yet managed to function daily. Go figure, how did I or better yet how could I allow this to consume me? Rest assured; I will never allow for myself nor anyone else for that matter to cause me strife.

December 31, 2010

So the eve of party goers' and family gatherings begins.  I have none to share this with for they are scattered with their own, even my children are celebrating in ways I only knew how to.  This eve, this night will be spent with new found friends, and a new found freedom that I have chosen to create on my own.  Friends that "TRULY" understand exactly where I want to be.  Thank you all for being a part of this New Year's Eve celebration for me.  I am grateful.