It has taken me this long to gain the courage to confront myself with damages I have caused others'. Needless to say as we were growing up I was so full of rage and resentments and always took out all of my frustrations on two individuals who had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. Why? I have no explanations. I can only say, the torment that I have put you through, my actions were so evil I should have been put away. I cannot say "I'm sorry", because it doesn't change what I've done, or how I've felt all of these years holding all of this in.
My dearest Brother;
I owe you my life, in that, I feel there were many times that I could have taken yours, out of complete and utter anger and hatred for myself. I did and said so many things that I have carried with me for all of these years, and in doing so have caused myself alot of grief. I've tried everything to cover up these feelings, and none of them have helped, only masked the pain for short periods of time. I need you to know that, 'I', don't think I knew what I was doing, but I cannot be certain, and if it's any concelation, I am sorry I was so horrible and mean, and I only hope that you can forgive me. I have blamed EVERYONE, but myself for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong or right for that matter, and now I know that the only one responsible for my life is ME. I only pray that I can finally let go of this one minute part of me, let it go completely, because it is haunting. I sit up at nights', most nights and cry silently because I am so confused and lost, and lonely, and have hated myself for so f@#*ing long, it's taken me til' now to gather up the courage to tell you that I was not a good sister, and certainly didn't deserve you as a brother. I know this...I love you, I am so effin proud of you, I wouldn't exchange you for the world.
My Best-friend;
You have inspired me, whether you did so intentionally, or by blind faith, nonetheless inspired ME. I never imagined that we would someday be calling one another "best-friends", I hurled at the thought. How can my sister be my friend, she's my sister, we're not supposed to be friends. I was wrong. I love you and you have given me back my sight, figuratively speaking. Clear thoughts occassionally cloud my decisions, because I have lived in a fog for most of my life, whether intentionally or not, I was there. I've found myself, and I'm beginning to like who I am. Have I been this person all along? I don't know, but I really do like who I am becoming. We are so much alike in that, when you're going through moments or fits of rage and anger, I try to redirect you as I would myself, because I have feared all of these years that perhaps I am the reason for those fits. I don't believe I ever truly said to any of you that "I LOVE YOU", and meant it. I do love you, and I do mean it. A heartfelt love, one that causes tears to flow uncontrollably, pains in the stomache creep up, and my heart aches, that's the love I feel for you, and my brothers'.
Kelly,I have waited the better part of 30 years for this day, not for the apology but for the change i see in you!!
ReplyDeleteI know you love me and it upses me to know that so many choices in your life and the continual anger and upset that you have gone through for your entire life was partially caused by things that personally i have never held against you.I have told you long ago that what when on when we were kids was just that KIDS , FIGHTING, CURSING EACH OTHER FIGHTING SOME MORE AND DISRESPECTING OUR PARENTS.. you are the oldest of all of us and i look back on my youth at you and realize that along with the shit we all went through we had a hell of alot of good times.. do you remeber who ran down the river(covered in snow and slush in the middle of january to try and pick up your charcoal pencils that you dropped) it was me and i didnt do that out of fear i did it cause you are and were my big sister and the amount of love that was and is felt for you erased all of the bad shit that WE went through together ..I look back and all isee is a family that lived by the rule that sometimes out of love you have to take one for the team,sometimes we give one for the team but most of all we stick with our team.. i have been here for you since the day i was born, i may not have always agreed or gone along with everything you said or did but we are family and thats what family does .. what i want you to know is that no matter what, it really doesnt matter what you do or say i will always be your brother and i will always love you the same .... we may not of always had the very best of everything, we may not have always done everything that alot of families did(38 and still never been to disney) but we had something that most of the other families didnt have, each other, MOM ,DAD, jeremy, traci, kelly and sean ..