December 21, 2010

I realize that I am one of those who aims to please others’ at any expense.  Though I also realize I have neglected my own needs in order to pacify that of others’, I am no longer in the position to grant your wishes accordingly, only mine. Maybe I have treated others’ poorly as well, what’s done cannot be undone.  Perhaps that seems a little selfish and if so, “too bad”.  I will not be second to anyone or anything, any longer.  I want to be on the front-line, not the firing line.  I want to be lavished with love, a love so divine it speaks words I have yet to hear, and its arms embrace me so longingly it takes my breath away, something only heard of in storybooks.  I have indeed read and re-read those very tales.  I not only want to read about “love” I want to experience “love”, true love.

December 20, 2010

Yet another day has come and gone and today unlike days before was indeed a trying one. Who do you trust when your eyes have finally been cleared of the cobwebs that once lingered there, blurring your vision, distorting all of the realities you (I) once thought to be true. How insignificant you all have become, or perhaps you have been and only able to realize that now with clear and obscured vision. I know that you know I'm not speaking only of sight with the eyes, but with the heart, mind and soul, and if you did however; then shame on you. I've decided that I am the most important person in my life, then my children, and after that...I'm not quite certain anymore. I used to know, I used to be sure of myself, of my mind or so I thought, but perhaps I was fooled once again. FUCK ME! I know I was fooled, how ignorant of me. HA HA HA...not any more though. I am well aware of myself, my surroundings, where I've been and exactly where it is that I am going. I need to be right where I am right at this very moment, I'm learning a lesson by committing myself to staying in this very spot. It's certainly not a requirement that I stay where I am, because I don't belong here, it's a lesson as I just stated. A lesson that I've been learning and being taught time and time again, only now am I able to comprehend in it's entirety exactly what that lesson is. I will not allow myself fall prey again...

December 16, 2010

So the soul searching continues or so it seems.  Am I in fact searching for my soul, or rather my identity?  I know I lost myself somewhere along that long, lonely path, that is now overgrown because I choose not to venture out there alone, without myself that is.  If one person were to ask what I meant by venturing without myself I would indeed tell them this...I have been without myself for better than 20 years, and the roads I have traveled have been lonely, I've pushed and shoved people out of my path and my life for that matter, not realizing the impact.  Loneliness is not so uncommon for me, you know the sitting in a crowded room as I've said so many times before and screaming so loud your throat hurts, yet no one, not a single individual hears your screams.  If one did, why did they not seek me out, why not hold my hand and point me in the direction I needed to be heading, why allow me to continue to reek havoc in my own life and the lives of those closest to me...why?  I can only give a partial answer and that being, I need to depend on me, lean on myself for a while, discover or rediscover who it is that I am, and what potentials I possess.  The past few months have been the most trying yet enlightening at the same time.  I find myself being drawn to those that possess none of the qualities in a person otherwise thought acceptable, by my standards of course.  Why the hell have I been so judgemental all of these years, or is it that I have been looking through the mirror instead of into it and seeing what I dislike in myself in others?  Hmmm...now that's a deep question if ever a question I've contemplated before, and that I will certainly ponder from this moment on until I figure it out on my own.  I am seeing people for who they are, not what I thought them to be, or better yet what I wanted them to be and not to exclude myself here either.  I carry much guilt for being such a judgemental person, which I have no business being.  GOD is the only one who has been given that kind of authority, and I by no means am GOD.  Perfection I strive for but I haven't reached it or so I don't believe I have.  So I will continue to trudge down different paths in search of myself, and perhaps someday soon I will discover what some say I already know.  It could very well be I'm afraid I might like myself and then there would be no more reasons for all of the self-loathing and self-pitying I am so good at.  We will see today is a new day and I am looking forward to what it brings...

December 3, 2010

I've noticed my senses coming back to life, something very unfamiliar I might add. I've also discovered that most are only concerned for themselves.  It;s all a matter of what they can gain from others not taking into consideration how it makes those people that they're using for personal gain feel.  It's disgusting actually, and as far as I can see the can all "GO F@#*  THEMSELVES.  You are no longer welcome in my life because I don't need you.  "WAIT!" I've never needed you, it's all an elusion.  So now I'm seeking sincerity, not false advertisments, or bullshit, so keep your mouths shut and move the f@#* on.  I'm looking for my own spirituality, something that is definitely amiss in my life or so I've been told recently, and quite often.  Unfortunately I have absolutely no idea what (spirituality) it is or where to begin looking.  Fearless inventory, are you kidding me?  There is no such thing as a fearless, I am fearful, why take an inventory of myself, I know my old ways oh so well, and I'm comfortable there.  However; I want to sprout those damn wings (cliche)  and fly out of my shell.  I am only a pawn, and there isn't going to be any 'check mate' called out in this game of life.  "Change or Die",doesn't seem like a difficult decision to make to most, but apparently I was on a roll, and had no where else to go but a grave and oh "Hell NO", I'm not ready to die, I haven't even begun to live.

November 12, 2010

So it seems I am taking the road "less traveled".  I presume it's safe to say I have absolutely no direction at this point, only hopes that I am building on my future by making myself stronger daily.  I do have the strength of a thousand men, I know this.  My shoulders some days do seem weighted down, but I carry on nonetheless.

October 4, 2010

There is an incredible feeling of self loathing coming over me today as in the days prior, for weeks I sit and stew every time this year it all consumes me completely.  Not allowing myself the ability to let go of my past is without hesitation killing me, perhaps not physically but emotionally and spiritually.  I push everyone to include my ownself away, I don't recall days where I have felt genuine happiness, and knowing that it is attainable I can't seem to grasp reality and move forward.  I visited "you" the other day and I felt a heart warming sense of relief upon my departure, however empty and lonely I feel now is my own doing I presume, it shouldn't be this way but yet it is still.  I'm not certain if I know how to let go or where to begin, I don't like who I have become and yet knowingly continue to bathe in this pitty port so to speak.  I do not know for how long I have been here or how much longer I am able to remain, I know only this...get the FUCK out of my head and leave me the HELL alone.

September 1, 2010

So begins yet another long month...I dread September...even more so the month of October...not for any other reason then this...On September 30, 1989, which by the way was a Sunday, I found myself working as I had always done, freshly graduated from high school, my whole life was in front of me or so I thought. My dreams were wild and very much alive then. The phone rings at work and it's for me, who the 'HELL' would be calling me at this ever so dreary job at this hour of the day? I answer the call, only to hear a cry (almost falling to my knees) I listened carefully to the words that were spoken to me..."Kelly, Gina was in an accident, you have to come to the hospital NOW!" With that being said I gathered my belongings and began a trip that was only 5 minutes but somehow seemed to drag on to the ends of the Earth, upon arrival I was greeted by a familiar face and told it doesn't look good. "FUCK ME" I thought, I trecked ever so gloomily to the floor I was directed to go to, and upon exiting the elevator my worst fears had become an ever so familiar horrifying dream that which plays upon me constantly. "We lost her!" What the fuck do you mean you lost her? How can you lose something so precious, a human life, a best-friend, where did she go? Why? I still to this very day recall my every step, every emotion, every breath, everything, it's as though it's happening again and again and again. I've tried with all of my might to 'let go and let God' yet it seems the harder I try to do such a thing I stumble and fall. I would have given my life for her, and I know that she is very well aware of that. I am more grateful today for my family (mom, Traci) for without the two of them I would surely be lost as well...The pain from that day never lets up, yet I strive with all of my might to move forward as slowly as I've been going for the past 20 something years, I am still moving forward. Thank you to those of you who have stood by me, and let me fall, and get up again time and time and time again. I love you all. This is for you...

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me


If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah


Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me