April 30, 2017 cont'd

I wish with ALL of my might that I possessed the will to kill myself.

April 30, 2017

The pit I have submerged myself into is seemingly bottemless. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, I hate breathing. I will never recover from my own misery. According to you and all others', I am zoned into my own delusional, warped self! Am I hurting anyone other than myself ? I don't think so. I have nothing, absolutely nothing in common with anyone, anywhere and I will never fit it.  I am alone even in a room filled with others. Their laughter angers me. I turn it inwards and want to die. I hate being me.  Constantly questioning why it is I am still alive or if in fact I am. How do you define being alive? Is it the act of breathing and just being? I have no identity, I lost that somewhere way back when. A drink would make it all disappear and the urge is intense. The wall I built decades ago has remained intact. I thought I was removing bricks but for some odd reason I am merely reinforcing it. I doubt that I will ever let down my guard, in fact I know I won't. What's the point of taking up perfectly good breathing room if in fact my life is meaningless?! I let thoughts flood my mind and cause me to question EVERYTHING I thought was genuine in my life. When the dust settles and I am able to see clearly for myself that all I thought I had was merely a mirage. How foolish I feel

April 28, 2017

The hardest part is sitting idly by while life passes me by. No job, can't secure employment due to my actions, no license to drive so I feel stuck daily. Emotionally and physically stuck. I have gone above and beyond to secure a place in this thing called 'life'.  I most certainly go OUT OF MY WAY to please everyone else in hopes that at some point I might just fit in somehow, someway...yet to no avail I am ALWAYS left out, left behind, forgotten and the list, well it goes on and on.  There is and never will be a place for me here and it most definitely is painstaking. There is no escaping this destructive misery. I owe it all to myself. I hate life. There is no longer any rhyme or reason to my daily existence, so why do I continue to drag myself in a downward spiral? The emotional pain is overwhelming, daily. I try and escape it and if I dare look over my shoulder, there it is lurking with hardened, beedy eyes waiting to sink it's fangs into flesh that's oh so soft.

April 24, 2017

The remorse is so real. How can I possibly convince you when I am so shattered myself? The pain is surreal.

April 15, 2017

Being invisible makes it all the easier to disappear and never to be a burden to anyone again.

April 14, 2017

24 hours or so they say in a day, then why does it seem the days meld into one long ass day? I have enough on my plate just dealing with the few hours I am sane let alone the balance of the day. Who do I think I'm kidding anyway?! I am beyond repair at this point. I have all I can to bear even breathing. Somehow I manage and yet do I really, or is it I am simply moving in a direction that is completely foreign to me? I can're tolerate my life much longer. I thought I might be able to somehow swindled myself into believing I was worth someone's effort but apparently I was highly mistaken. Fuck this so-called life. It just isn't worth spending anymore of my energy.

April 13, 2017

A non-stop ride without a hitch to hell again. My thoughts are out of control and this wall that I ran into earlier keeps me locked in place so there is no escaping this mind game.  This is going to kill me, literally. I have taken all I can.

April 12, 2017

Should be feeling the warmth of the sun internally as well as externally however; the cold damp place that dwells within has taken all of that away as always. I can't seem to give or do enough for anyone, yet I still try to make you see me. I am invisible now I suppose so I should climb back into the abyss and stay there. It's comfortable.

April 7, 2017

So tired of fucking lies. You throw up on me and think I don't smell the bullshit that follows. So I am not anyone's ideal woman nor will I ever be and at this moment in time I don't give a flying fuck. I have catered to EVERYONE my entire adult life and it should be me who is being pampered however; I am judged, ridiculed, laughed at abandoned, neglected and still expected to fall on my knees and worship the ground you walk on. The only ground I will be walking is the one I am laid beneath. I cannot wait to die. A complete and honest rant of exactly  how I view myself. A nothing or "The Nothing" as in the movie. I can't seem to find any sort of middle ground anymore. I don't laugh or smile for that matter.

April 3, 2017

That overwhelming urge to kill yourself on the spot but a beating calms the thought for a moment. I will NEVER get out of this fucking rutt. I hate everything about myself. I make no one happy. Can't do ANYTHING right for anyone. Just a complete waste of breathing room.