October 30,2014

I am struggling today with many mixed emotions. I wish I had an answer or some sort or direction right now. I have not ever felt so lost and alone than I have been feeling lately, and it seems it is just getting progressively worse each waking moment. Damn it.

October 29, 2014

And here I go again!  I have got to figure out someway to get off of this never ending roller coaster.  The constant battle within is driving me insane, to say the least. Speaking of insanity, I have my own personal padded room inside my head.  I am constantly bouncing off of walls.  Whatever happened to I'm rubber and you're glue?

October 28, 2014

Have you ever wondered what it might feel like to an animal after it has been mauled by another of its' kind?  The questions that it might ponder in its' mind.  Why did this happen to me?  What have I done so wrong to deserve this kind of treatment?  Am I just not good enough?  I survived though and am licking the open wounds and that is proof enough of pain inflicted upon another living being.  Scars from wounds so deep that even time hasn't been able to heal them.  I have been there and my wounds, for some reason just won't heal over, not even long enough for them to become scars.  It's as if I continuously pour salt in order to feel the pain, metaphorically speaking of course as far as physical pain is concerned, and then there is the emotional pain that I experience daily.  The pain of flesh being torn open over and over again, that is exactly what I have been going through lately.  Damned emotional pain so intense that I can physically feel it shredding my entire being.  I too, like that animal wonder daily why this all happened, was I to cause?  What did I do so horrible in life to deserve this?  Am I not good enough?  Then I hear these little whispers in the back of my mind reminding me that I made my life what it is today and I have no one to blame but myself.  I chose the paths that were less traveled for whatever reason.  I ventured into the darkness alone when I knew full well that I should be asking for guidance.  I was too proud and for many fleeting moments was determined to do things on my own, and now looking back, I screwed up.  This realization is a gut wrenching one.  I am sick over this.  I didn't just wake up and have reality slap me in the face, it's taken years to get where I am today.  Words that were spoken have penetrated so deep into my being that they are inscribed and I hear the voices behind the words.  Most days I hate myself and the others?, well I just tolerate me. It's becoming increasingly difficult to mull through the days and that is exactly what I do. 

October 23, 2014

Lately I have been walking on egg shells, which are strategically placed over land mines. I must have positioned them there at some point in time and am just now slinking ever so suspiciously as not to disturb a solitaire one.  I know that I am only able to endure so much in a single day and to have one detonate because of my own carelessness,  would be most detrimental to my well-being in every facet.

October 21, 2014

A process of elimination per say.  Who shall stay and who shall go?  It's strictly a matter of principle at this point in my life.  I wish I knew how to break the chains that bind me; after all they are holding me back.  By they I mean my past, I visit it daily and it wreaks havoc on my present and I stand firm that it will by all means wreak that same havoc on the future if in fact there is one in store for me, because as I see it now, I have none to look forward to nor do I have the desire to push forward.  It makes me sick to my stomach knowing I feel this way constantly.  If it were a passing feeling then I might reconsider my options however; it's continuous.  A flow down stream into that dark lonely abyss I speak frequently of.  There are days more often than not where I wish I had the courage to take that plunge and escape this so-called 'life' that was given to me.  I am well aware that it is what I make it yet I find it extremely difficult to accept that past events had no effect on who, what and where I am currently, physically and emotionally.  What do I know anymore anyway.  I go off on tangents, in directions I should know better than explore, then again I am almost intrigued by the darkness because I have been here for so long.  Hmm I wonder, am I really that pathetic? It's deja vu constantly.  Fuck, I am pathetic. 

I am knocking...

October 9, 2014

It's been brought to my attention too many times in the past few months that others' view me as pathetic, and everything that I do or don't do is selfish. I have never thought of myself as a selfish individual. Apparently something that I am doing isn't working out the way it should. Time and time again I find that I reflect back on unpleasant thoughts and memories and in doing so this reckless child surfaces. I used to wonder how anyone could inflict harm upon themselves until the very first time I experienced it for my very own. A fit of rage or perhaps an emotional breakdown, I cannot honestly say what caused it however; I remember a calming feeling coming over me almost instantaneously afterwards. Some say that I should be medicated, I disagree. Medication only made matters worse, and outbursts more severe than previous ones. Therapist after therapist, prescription upon prescription, I began losing hope that I was at all sane by any means. To be called 'text book' anything is devastating to say the least and yet refreshing all at the very same time. For years I thought I was crazy or perhaps a basket case so I've heard. Delusional, self-loathing, warped sense of self, selfish, etc... I could go on for pages. There are moments still that I find myself wanting to do more harm than not to myself just to escape my own thoughts, and NO I am not being selfish. I wish I could erase every single memory and start fresh, a clean slate, perhaps then I might be able to move forward with my own desires, as for now I could care less.