September 26, 2014

I'll be damned if it's not one thing after another. I am at the very end of the rope and there isn't a knot to stop me from falling this time. How much more can one person endure before they completely lose it, by every sense of the word lose. I have to throw up my hands and give up.

September 25, 2014

What an absolutely formidable act of desperation is that? I beg others' to stay in a relationship they clearly don't desire. Who does shit like that? These are thoughts that have littered my mind and it seems there is no escaping those disgusting memories. Why is it so easy for some to just let go of the past, in a blink of an eye or so it seems, whereas I just can't escape it. It's as if a bolt of lightening strikes when the skies seem to be clear, in the most alarming of ways, because it comes out of nowhere. I am pathetic to say the least. No one should have to beg or plead with another. While I'm on the subject of pleading, why does it seem that I am constantly apologizing for every action/reaction, every word spoken/unspoken? Why? That's pathetic as well. Damn! I am so sick of myself, WAIT! I make myself sick. The most discontenting part of all of this could very well be my own doing. I allow others' to control me. Who invites or tolerates emotional abuse and then apologizing for being on the receiving end? The more I sit and think the more repulsed I become. Is this even normal? What is NORMAL for that matter?

September 24, 2014

On a downward spiral emotionally and I haven't any brakes, I am spinning out of control and am fearing at this very moment for the very air I breathe. All of my fears past, present and perhaps future are coming to fruition and exposing the flesh that's oh so raw once again. Why is it that I cannot carry on for an entire day without the presence of FEAR?

September 22, 2014

Thank you God! That is not my norm, but I just need to say it aloud so I can see for myself that my faith in you is not entirely lost.

September 15, 2014

My life is an absolute clusterfuck! That is all.

September 15 , 2014

After multiple attempts at a 'healthy' relationship with numerous others' be they male or female, I have drawn my own conclusion in that I am not meant for any relationship. I don't need the stress nor do I need the aggravation that accompanies said relationships either. I create images in my head that prevent me from moving forward with my life and I take full responsibility for my actions no matter the outcome. I am faced daily with demons that lurk in the crevices of my mind and make themselves visible at the most inopportune times. I hate who I have become, a cynic, a campaigner for those tormented by years of lies and abuse, an abuser myself (in defense). I manipulate my own thoughts so that I have the strength to face the coming 'attractions' daily. It's so overwhelming anymore that I where blinders now so that no outside influences obscure my vision. It may seem selfish and perhaps others' believe that I am looking for a 'pity party' however; all I want is to be left alone. Alone with my thoughts, in my own head. I don't possess the capability of mingling with others' in a manner set forth by 'society'. I haven't the desire either. Where does that leave me? Does this make me a cruel being?

September 12, 2014

I have heard on and off for the better part of my life that "better days are coming", well I have been waiting a lifetime for those days to appear and nothing yet. HELLO? Am I the last of the black sheep to be roaming?

September 11, 2014

While the rest of the world is remembering the events that took place 13 years ago on this very date, going over emotions and photos, the media splashing the horror all over the television, social media sites blowing up walls with statuses about the same; I sit here wondering where I went wrong. I discovered a long time ago that I am not relationship ready, nor will I ever be. I fool myself into thinking so, going back and forth with the thoughts in my head, recalling childhood fairy tales wondering why they publish such nonsense when a "Happily Ever After" is not attainable at least not for me. I feel as though I am constantly referring to happiness and such and all that it is supposed to represent however; if I truly knew it wouldn't be a constant topic of discussion for me. It's just distressing how others' can be so manipulative and conniving in order to get their own way. I don't believe I do those sorts of things. Lately I have been reminiscing about everything that has taken place in my life and I wish I could pinpoint where it was exactly that mine started falling apart. I hear others' tell me that I am a strong individual for raising three kids on my own and yet I do not see that at all. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I'm scared of what each tomorrow will bring. Holy shit, here it is again! FEAR, that fucker! He's back to torment me. I give up, have at it. I wish you would rip me to shreds once and for all because I haven't the strength to put up fight.

September 9, 2014

"The purpose of memory is not to let us recall the past, but to let us anticipate the future. Memory is a tool for prediction." - Alain Berthoz With that being said, how is it that a tool meant to predict our future can wreak such havoc on some yet others scathe? Is it me against the world or am I just fighting an endless battle within myself? I cannot escape my memories of past experiences no matter how I try. Therapy allows for me to open painful wounds and afterward I am left bleeding as if I had just relived the moments in time I have tried so desperately to escape. What's next?