November 21, 2013

It is clearly the manifestation of raw emotions that run ramped in my mind, wreaking havoc all the day long.  Do I allow for these emotions to take control or could it be that I am simply exhausted and fighting them one way or another would send me spiraling once again to the depths of the abyss.  I must say however; I find solace in the darkness, fear as well.  I compose myself quite well and "buck up" so as to not wake the sleeping emotions.  I know oh to well that if they all come to life at once I will be battling with myself for some time to come.  I haven't the energy to put up a fight.  I am holding onto to that metaphorical rope, the one which I have been holding onto for many years now.  My hands are calloused and tiring with every moment that passes.  A swift wind could either raise me up or cause me to lose my grip, either way I am very much afraid.  I feel them begin to boil over and I cannot allow for it.  What is it that I must do in order to rid myself of these sores that remain open.  I have masked pain time and time again and now the bandages have come loose and it is all there in the open.  Have at me if you must but please make it swift and painless.  I will not put up a fight.

November 20, 2013

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
― Jim Morrison

Still painting...

When is enough, enough?

I have allowed so many factors define who I have become today. The past for example weighs so heavy and it brings me to my knees almost daily. I have lost myself somewhere along the dimly lit paths I have traveled and have tried with all of my might to light candles in order to find my way back to me. I believe that I am not meant to find myself yet walk for the rest of my days searching, in every nook and cranny for some semblance of who I used to be before I lost consciousness. I'm dazed and confused.. The heaviness of making the right decisions is immobilizing and I fear I will forever wonder aimlessly amongst the living dead in search of a soul that doesn't belong to me. I have felt for some time that I don't belong here, there or anywhere and it has come to fruition that those feelings are more than a reality. I have walked so many times into brick walls that the pain is numbing. I feel the jolt each and every time yet fail to learn from my own mistakes. Am I so prone to failure that I "fail" to see my own nose inspight of myself? Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through. An endless maze and there is no sign of life to be found, other than the sound of my own thoughts running aimlessly through my own mind.

November 18, 2013

Have you ever listened to your own thoughts? I cannot seem to sort mine out. There is this track and it is constantly running at speeds not yet known to man. My thoughts have wheels and they travel this track, round and round, nonstop. If I could grab hold of just one thought and focus all of my energy on that one thing, I would be content for that day. I imagine myself reaching up as if into clouds and taking hold of feathers (my thoughts) and blowing them into oblivion, one at a time until there is only one thought left for me to ponder. It's so overwhelming, the daily task of filtering through all that lies within the confines of my mind, these thoughts hold me hostage. It's not a matter of preference, nor desire to hold onto, the walls are sturdy and have yet to weaken so that I might take them down, brick by brick if need be. I have given time, time. I have tried to live one day at a time. I have taken baby steps forward only to be pushed violently back from where I started. It's about holding on when all I want to do is let go and most days I am not the one holding on. It is a power greater than myself, and for whatever the reason may be, this power will not allow me to leap. I see peace of mind when I look over the edge. I want to float on a wing, flutter through the air. I need to feel light as a feather. I need to feel free. I need to find ME again.

November 5, 2013

Some things are better left alone. I should have known I could depend on no one other than myself. I put to much faith in words others freely throw in my direction not once looking for the true underlying messages written or spoken. I give up. It's no longer an option to contemplate fighting a losing battle any longer. You win.

November4, 2013

It's that 'once in a lifetime' kind of feeling. Can I hold fast? Only time will tell. A new sensation I might add. Not quite certain how this feeling found it's way to me. I am so accustomed to the same old negativity, so much so that I am definitely somewhat frightened.