June 24, 2013

Life... or should I say the 'circle of life'. How inconsistent everything surrounding us is. It's absolutely mind blowing, and not of the pleasurable nature. I have paid my debt to society ten fold and now am ready to embark on a new adventure. However; I am being held prisoner against my will. Summer is directly upon us and the urge, the need, the desire to get out and about is overwhelming. So much so that I am almost willing to go to ANY lengths in order to attain what it is I need in order to do just that...get out and about. I need to move forward from here and yet, yet, the chains that bind me grow shorter in length and I haven't the ability to break free from such bondage. I am embarrassed, to say the least, at this point in time. I am sick and tired of being dependent upon others' (for transportation purposes only), it's sickening and it angers me in the worst of ways. I am merely that pawn you often hear about, the one that is taken over by some unforeseen force. I haven't the strength left to pick myself up. I fear for my life, daily.

June 17, 2013

There's an ache in my heart that none can repair. It's been there for so long and it's growing more painful with each passing day. It's a sadness that I have created because I haven't the ability to give my children all they deserve. I wish I could give my daughters' strength and courage to endure heartbreak and face their fears head on. I wish I could instill in my son all that he will need in order to become the most loving and giving man there ever will be. I wish I could take all of the pain from each one of them, yet I know I can only stand back and watch as my daughter's heart is being toyed with and her emotions are running ramped. I can only stand back and pray for my son and hope that what I have to offer him will be just enough to guide him along his journey in life. I hope that I have been the role model that they have needed and that my life experiences have proven to them that it can be done. I pray (even if it seems I have lost my faith) for each one of them, that they will exceed beyond their wildest dreams and that I will be there cheering them on as they do. I pray that they will flourish and grow continuously long after my time here has subsided. I have never loved another as much as I love my wonderful children.

June 12, 2013

I could say that it was almost too good to be true, however; that would be a lie. I must have really fooled myself into believing that I could quiet all the chaos running rampantly in my head. I let my guard down for a fucking moment, that's all it took, one moment and now, I fear that I am sinking. Sinking faster than I have ever sunk before. There is no one around this time. I see what's left of the shattered ropes that I once clung to from previous episodes and they haven't the strength to hold me this time. What more can I say? What else is there for me to do?

June 11, 2013

And there it lies, within the confines of my own mind, my demise. I am fully aware of it's uncanny ability to force me to my knees and drain me of any happiness I was able to muster. Why is it not possible for me to maintain anything like pure happiness for more than a few moments in time? Am I the cause of my own misery? Do I open the door knowing full well that it's on the other side, and invite it in? I don't believe I do such things intentionally, however; I can sit here and tap at keys expressing what has and continues to happen almost on a daily basis. It must be something so much deeper than I can even begin to imagine, something I have yet to understand about myself, and it causes me to stop dead in my tracks, no matter the tracks I'm traveling, and yank whatever glimmer of hope I have managed to clasp my hands around. So here I go again. Climbing onto that good 'ol ship called, 'Misery', waiting perhaps (as I have been told) for someone or something to 'rescue' me. I try to understand the concept of rescue as a whole and for the strangest reason unknown to myself I just can't seem to jump ship and swim to shore. I thought that I could 'drop the rocks' that have been plaguing me for so long, yet I have grown in strength if only to carry my 'rocks' where ever it is I may travel. Soon enough I suppose, I will have the emotional wherewithal to let go of all that burdens my heart, mind and soul. If there is a soul left to be had within.

June 2, 2013

I could tell myself, even swear that I am no longer going to 'settle', and I'll be damned if I no sooner think or speak such thoughts than I am right back where I said I wouldn't be. Why is that?