March 13, 2013

There's a lot to be said and I believe I've said a lot over the course of 4 years, however; I still feel empty. Not lonely, just empty. There must be something more, something that I've missed. I know there is yet I can't place my finger on it. It comes full circle every so often and when it does the tears flow uncontrollably. This too shall pass, or so I've heard however; I've yet to experience the "shall pass" aspect of it all. God gives me no more than I can handle right? Well, let me tell you, that I have had all that I can handle, I don't need anymore thrown on my plate because I am stuffed. My cup doth run over, and it has spilled out on those not deserving. I pick myself up by the seat of my pants, brush myself off once again, try to recover from all that has taken place, and crawl towards my crutch. Hopefully I won't need it very long. Strength is all I've asked for and maybe that's just not enough. How do you crawl out from under a rock that's been embedded in the Earth for so long? I dig so as to clear some of the Earth away hoping to grasp just one corner, that's all I need to pry the rock from it's hole. I have never asked for more than I feel I deserve so why is it that I feel so unworthy. I fall prey to cunning words and empty promises every time and it is I that is left to deal with the emptiness. Do I not deserve eternal happiness? Am I that unworthy that I allow others' to trample on me, when I am at my lowest. Do they get pleasure out of seeing me at the bottom? Ugh!! I am still that girl, only now I'm covered with skin I no longer recognize. I look in the mirror and the face looking back at me is a stranger, her eyes empty, her skin has aged and she wears a frown like none I've seen before. Yes, I will admit once again that I am afraid.