I must have been blinded or perhaps I simply turned the other cheek in fear of the unknown or maybe not so unknown. I recognized what was taking place and refused to interfere, thus failing a friend. I saw the warning signs even was witness to them harming themselves for fear of facing an horrific past. I am most thankful that GOD has been watching over me and her for the past three weeks otherwise neither of us might not of been here, and I wouldn't be telling all of my happenings. I was terrified to say the least, yet I refused any and all guidance for fear of losing another friend. We are fighting for our lives, even as I type I am in conflict within myself, trying to rid the bad and replace it with good. I know I can do it, however the past is so overpowering and the demons that reside there seem to find me at my weakest moments, and when they do, the roller coaster to hell is on a fast track spiraling downwards, taking me with it, in hopes of watching me meet my demise. I am stronger though, I know that I am, I have overcome that hell I tell of, and although it may creep up and frighten me I need remind myself that it's my past and can no longer hurt me, nor am I willing to allow it to.
A turn of events has made me realize that we most definitely do hurt the ones we love the most. Is is subliminal or do we do it consciously? All I seek out of life today is pure, sublime happiness and I have certainly found the one that brings all that I could imagine to light. At first it was shady and I was suspicious, however; I realized that when the light shown through and I saw this figure for what he was, I loved him before I knew what TRUE love was.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
November 11, 2011
I can't be certain but I believe I took a breathe yesterday. I can't give specifics because I'm not sure the time of day it was or if in fact I was even conscious at that moment. I can say I see through different eyes today. Not of my own clouded and obscured eyes, I am not worthy of a happy and healthy relationship, it's quite apparent. It's not written in the STARS for ME. I thought maybe I was, but I can now reassure myself that I do more damage than good for everyone, even my own children. Words were thrown back and forth and some more hurtful than others and I have been struggling to swallow tiny pieces and wondering all the while if in fact I am all of those things that others' say I am. Perhaps I put blinders on in fear. Fear of relinquishing my shell and feeling completely exposed. It has taken hold of me. Fear that others' are right about me, and that I truly am not worthy. I feel completely alone. I am alone. I stand alone. I have only myself to depend on, to blame for all that takes place daily, no one but ME. FUCK ME! I hate myself, I've always hated myself. I guess I'm meant to be alone, but I just don't understand why! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE SO TERRIBLY FUCKING WRONG THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF MY LIFE THAT I NEED TO LIVE IN ABSOLUTE EMOTIONAL MISERY .... CONSTANTLY? WHAT? Can someone fucking tell me? I'm tired, too tired to fight! I have nothing left to give. I am empty and I am allowing all those demons back in. They know me like none other does. I am comfortable with them. They dictate my life, at least I had meaningless direction then. Why bother being sober, why bother TRYING to change. Who really gives a FUCK in the end? I'm tired of fighting with myself, my thoughts, I'm tired of trying to please others', I'm tired of being emotional, I gave my all, I've tried to change, and the little I have isn't good enough for others'. I don't have a magic wand, I can't swing it in the air and be perfect. I am far from perfect and you know what? I like being imperfect, defines my character, gives me depth. All that I have endured has brought me to this very moment in time. The time where I realize I really am not meant for LOVE. I felt it, and so I know what true love is now, I should just be satisfied with knowing that I was able to truly love another. It's as painful as a jagged rock, tearing at my skin, but this pain is deep, and intense. I have cried myself to sleep for 3 nights, I cannot even think straight. I lost the one thing that brought me joy.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
November 10, 2011
Once again, I have allowed demons to take over my every thought, every action and reaction and in doing so lost a part of me I thought I had found. I was mistaken. I thought that I deserved so much more than I actually do, and perhaps I am throwing myself on that 'pity pot' so they call it, and if I am so fucking what! I deserve to have all that my heart desires and then some. Why is it that so many others' can have all they desire, but the ones' that work and strive for such, never seem to grasp any of that which is good, but just the opposite? It seems more and more that I am unworthy of happiness. I need to take my place in the circle of life and accept things just the way they are. I can only hope that someday, one day things will be different and the struggles within and without myself will subside long enough for me to take a breathe and live life for a moment or two.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
November 8, 2011
Is it truly attainable? A life without turmoil, to live in the here and now for always? I think NOT! So they say the wreckage from our pasts will haunt us and wreak havoc on all that we touch, I am living proof that, that holds to be true. I can't escape it, no matter how I try, it has it's talons embedded in my soul, and is tearing the flesh that's oh so deep from my living being. The drugs masked the torture I was so accustomed to, for years, perhaps I deserved such beatings, maybe I brought them on myself. Maybe just maybe I deserve more of the same as opposed to a happy, healthy relationship. I can't even do that right. I inquire, and I'm irrational, my sense of self is once again warped, I am the most fucking delusional person that I know. Why would anyone want to be surrounded by such fucking negativity. It's everywhere. Lurking, waiting for the right moment to jump out and tear me to shreds. I should just let people, places and things be well enough alone. I'll never learn. I've lived with the horror for too long and it slowly takes away my identity, if at all there is any of ME left.
The abuse started when I was 8 or 9, my uncle who since then has died. I felt no remorse when I learned of it either, should I have? I tried to be the best little girl I knew how, but always ended up terrorizing my siblings for something they had no knowledge of, and so I have lived with the guilt of abuse. I had few friends, I isolated myself from the world, I was extremely shy and introverted most of my life, until we moved to upstate New York. At the tender age of 15 I was devastated, I had no friends, I had nothing, just myself, and GOD knew I hated myself, so I continued to torment my brother and sister. I made a friend, my neighbor and she drank and smoked. I figured I would make many friends if only I fit in. So I began stealing my fathers' cigarettes and inhaling them not even smoking them. We moved a few more times changing schools once again, and instantaneously I found my niche. The ones' that smokes weed and drank. I was going to be okay. There was something different about them though, they didn't drink the way I drank, they drank to savor the flavor, I drank to get drunk. I figured I needed discipline so I joined the Army, HA. That was a joke, it made me more resentful and I hated life. I made an ass of myself throughout my entire life, graduated high-school, and got a job. I met a man, or so I thought, perhaps this is what I needed. How fucking wrong I was, at first he was kind and complementary, but that soon changed. I became pregnant, and a switch was turned on and the abuse began. I thought I had been deserving of it at first because of all I dished out when I was younger. But fearing for my life and begging for mercy didn't seem to stop the beatings. He would beat me and begin to leave but I was so afraid that I would beg him to stay and endure what seemed like a lifetime more of beatings. Choking, kicking, punching me I would sob, not ever cry that would only anger him more, so I suffered in silence, I lied about the bruises, and the cuts, I tried to cover up as much as possible. I didn't know until later that he was a heroine addict, a skin pop was all I needed and it was instant love. I could endure the kicks and the punches, the hateful words, his cheating and lies. It all made sense, I got high, and felt no pain. It escalated to the point of no return, I had given birth and I loved this little child I held in my arms with all that I could love with. I had no love for anyone but her, hate yes but love was taken. I finally broke down after giving custody of my beautiful child to my mother to care for, because GOD knew I couldn't even care for myself. My drug use took flight and and I was high morning, noon and night, still enduring the beatings, driving and being punched so hard any normal person would've died instantly but I endured the pain and carried on, this lasted for some time and finally alone in my apartment with no one to care for me or about me (so I thought) I finally decided that life had no meaning and I truly was as worthless as I had been told I was. I decided that I was going to die, the sun was shining through the window and I chased the dragon that day, I felt the rush come over me, at first it was euphoric and then I became frightened, not knowing if I truly wanted death I made my way outside and began walking, I was able to phone my mother, and sought the comfort I had once known. I have not ever truly dealt with the abuse on a level suitable for most, because I still believe that I deserved it. It's all so very vivid at this very moment I need a break. I still feel the lump on my head from a solid punch to the back of my head which is still very clear in my mind. I'm exhausted, I exhaust myself, I wear myself down, emotionally until there is no way out of my head.
The abuse started when I was 8 or 9, my uncle who since then has died. I felt no remorse when I learned of it either, should I have? I tried to be the best little girl I knew how, but always ended up terrorizing my siblings for something they had no knowledge of, and so I have lived with the guilt of abuse. I had few friends, I isolated myself from the world, I was extremely shy and introverted most of my life, until we moved to upstate New York. At the tender age of 15 I was devastated, I had no friends, I had nothing, just myself, and GOD knew I hated myself, so I continued to torment my brother and sister. I made a friend, my neighbor and she drank and smoked. I figured I would make many friends if only I fit in. So I began stealing my fathers' cigarettes and inhaling them not even smoking them. We moved a few more times changing schools once again, and instantaneously I found my niche. The ones' that smokes weed and drank. I was going to be okay. There was something different about them though, they didn't drink the way I drank, they drank to savor the flavor, I drank to get drunk. I figured I needed discipline so I joined the Army, HA. That was a joke, it made me more resentful and I hated life. I made an ass of myself throughout my entire life, graduated high-school, and got a job. I met a man, or so I thought, perhaps this is what I needed. How fucking wrong I was, at first he was kind and complementary, but that soon changed. I became pregnant, and a switch was turned on and the abuse began. I thought I had been deserving of it at first because of all I dished out when I was younger. But fearing for my life and begging for mercy didn't seem to stop the beatings. He would beat me and begin to leave but I was so afraid that I would beg him to stay and endure what seemed like a lifetime more of beatings. Choking, kicking, punching me I would sob, not ever cry that would only anger him more, so I suffered in silence, I lied about the bruises, and the cuts, I tried to cover up as much as possible. I didn't know until later that he was a heroine addict, a skin pop was all I needed and it was instant love. I could endure the kicks and the punches, the hateful words, his cheating and lies. It all made sense, I got high, and felt no pain. It escalated to the point of no return, I had given birth and I loved this little child I held in my arms with all that I could love with. I had no love for anyone but her, hate yes but love was taken. I finally broke down after giving custody of my beautiful child to my mother to care for, because GOD knew I couldn't even care for myself. My drug use took flight and and I was high morning, noon and night, still enduring the beatings, driving and being punched so hard any normal person would've died instantly but I endured the pain and carried on, this lasted for some time and finally alone in my apartment with no one to care for me or about me (so I thought) I finally decided that life had no meaning and I truly was as worthless as I had been told I was. I decided that I was going to die, the sun was shining through the window and I chased the dragon that day, I felt the rush come over me, at first it was euphoric and then I became frightened, not knowing if I truly wanted death I made my way outside and began walking, I was able to phone my mother, and sought the comfort I had once known. I have not ever truly dealt with the abuse on a level suitable for most, because I still believe that I deserved it. It's all so very vivid at this very moment I need a break. I still feel the lump on my head from a solid punch to the back of my head which is still very clear in my mind. I'm exhausted, I exhaust myself, I wear myself down, emotionally until there is no way out of my head.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Humility by Peter Marinelli
Perpetual quietness of heart.
To have no trouble.
Never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore.
To wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
To be at rest when nobody praises me or when I am blamed or despised.
To have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble
-From the desk of Dr. Bob-
Blessings
Chop wood, carry water
Peter Marinelli
To have no trouble.
Never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore.
To wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
To be at rest when nobody praises me or when I am blamed or despised.
To have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble
-From the desk of Dr. Bob-
Blessings
Chop wood, carry water
Peter Marinelli
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Love yourself 100%.
There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel,
love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me. . . or leave me.
Accept me--or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person,
just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change
me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad--
you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel,
love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me. . . or leave me.
Accept me--or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person,
just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change
me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad--
you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.
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