March 21, 2011

So, Spring has sprung so they say, but with spring arises the rebirth of every living creature, not to exclude myself of course, because this has been a long time coming, and now the re-birthing of myself is about to take place.  I'm still a little unnerved at the thought but as painstaking as it may seem to me, it is an absolute necessity, I cannot fear what is happening although I am most comfortable in my old shoes (so to speak). I suppose it's high time I step out of those old shoes and try on my new ones, just to make sure there a proper fit, and what happens if in fact there a little snug, do I take them off and give them away or do I stand tall amidst the pain and walk a mile in these new "shoes"?   I believe I just answered my own question, which I do constantly, apparently I already know the answers and it's only a matter of implementing all that I've acquired into my new found freedom, my new found self.   There are still moments of uncertainty and things are not always clear, but somehow I muddle up the strength and find clarity within my own words, perhaps by telling another how awesome they appear to me, or lending an ear, and then in a split second realize that the advice I have just given or the encouragement I have just bestowed need not only apply for them, but for me as well.  Positive reinforcements should be a part of my daily life, but some days unlike others' I'm surrounded by my own misery, the misery I have created all on my own, not wanting to change or face myself, so I will once again look in that mirror, however; when I see my reflection this time around and my reflection sees me, I will be able to answer, what it is I have in fact seen.

March 18, 2011

I am exhausted...in every sense of the word, by definition (to drain of strength or energy, wear out, or fatigue greatly).  YES, I am exhausted!  I have not worked so hard on anything before prior to this, in my entire life.  It's a maintenance program of sorts, I suppose, maintaining my sanity (or what's left of it).  Stresses are many, and support is few and somehow I continue to drift as I have been doing in the right direction nonetheless, with much needed guidance from those who are unaware that they are assisting me on this expedition of mine as I like to call it on occassion.  Then again who am I to judge and speculate?  I am not GOD therefore I do not have that GOD-given ability to pass judgement on others', although I do catch myself and regret having had those thoughts from the beginning.  It's a new me emerging, I've seen her once or twice before, then in an instant she was gone, for some reason she (I) never stayed around long enough to make proper acquaintance.  Odd as it may seem I do refer to myself in every party, and this is how I know I have had small, subtle successes.  Small I say, very small successes, not with materialistic riches or emotional bonds, nothing of the sort, just sudden and jubilent revelations.  They are by far the most intriguing if I may say so myself.  I am able to think, and those thoughts become words, that don't stab like razor sharp knives any longer, it's simply amazing.  I'm learning to "live life on life's terms", not my own.  I know that God has a plan for me, and I anxiously await to walk down the path HE has chosen for me, just me. 

March 11, 2011

If not for anything else but absolute peace of mind, I need to sit back, reevaluate my life, my motives, my hopes and dreams for my future.  How is it that, the small child that once lived inside of my mind and consumed me, disappeared for what seems like a lifetime, suddenly presents herself, in the form of a grown woman?  Oddly enough I have become that small child all over again.  The fears I thought were gone are standing in front of me staring with darting eyes, wondering when I will finally let go.  I can't answer you now, not yet, I'm not ready, I thought I was but I'm not.  I'm scared, not just frightened but genuinely scared to death almost.  I've regained consciousness but am not able to envision my future, I am by all means living in the moment, every moment.  I have no other choice, there aren't any directions, no hand books, manuals, instructional videos for me to follow either, it's life I suppose in it's rawest form.  I don't believe I would trade my life right now for that of any other.  Feelings are arising and they are unfamiliar to me, it's all surreal, and confusing at the same time.  I have made mistakes in the past, and I'll be damned if I repeat one of them.  I do realize that my children have suffered greatly but haven't if that makes much sense, my mistakes are just that MINE, I take full ownership of them, and in doing so have made a promise to NEVER make the same ones' again.  Why is it that I am expected to do for other's when I need just as much help as they do, is it not obvious, do I not scream or cry loud enough, what am I not conveying to them?  The big picture?  Hello, I've been asking maybe not outright, but I have, I've crawled, scraped my knees, my knuckles are worn, I can't do this alone either.