December 3, 2014

Such a distorted view encapsulating my entire being.  I have struggled more often than not to step outside of myself however; each attempt has been an epic fail. It seems even more difficult these days to come to terms with where I am in life.    Am I destined to be a failure for all eternity? 

December 2, 2014

So I have decided to post here every day this month in hopes of relieving myself of some of this incredible angst that I am carrying with me. I have tried to reach out to some who have said that they would 'always' be there for me, little did I know that they meant only when it was/is convenient for them.  I am told I am needy and clingy by yet others'.  Here ye, here ye...I am no longer in need of you nor your sarcasms, your inability to communicate with me not at me, your ridicule, your lack of interest in what interests me.  So again, go to hell or where ever it is you descend to after you have ripped my emotions to shreds.  I realize you are that abyss that I lovingly am drawn to and by no means do I mean this to praise you.  You are toxic and I can not allow for myself to look in your direction hence I have covered the mirrors in my house and no longer glance at myself when walking by any window that may show some sort of distorted reflection.  I am my demise. 

December 1, 2014

I do not know how the hell I cope on a daily basis. My head is filled with memories of broken promises and yet I still, somehow fall prey. It is amazing how one person can allow another to take such control emotionally, and knowingly continue to feed that individual who still can recall at any given moment in time the exact words that were spoken to them and then made to feel utter guilt because they are manipulated into believing the other. Fuck you!!

November 24, 2014

I have tried to manage my anxiety, as well as my emotions for far too long now and have been completely unsuccessful. I no longer possess the slightest desire to attempt to make a solitaire individual remotely satisfied, because it is without question impossible for ME to pacify any other at all. I hate this life, I have had my fucking fill and I cannot express that enough. Let shit go you all say, well here is some late breaking fucking news for you ALL, " I cannot just let shit go so get off my damn back!"  I will not EVER forgive anyone for anything, not ever.

November 18, 2014

I keep tapping at these damned keys in hopes that something will snap as it has before, inside of my mind and free me from this horrific bondage of self or so they say.  My eyes are so swollen I haven't the ability to see the light of day from any angle.  I thought perhaps yesterday morning would have been my last, but alas here I am once again pecking at keys, struggling to stay afloat, no matter the water that carry me. 

November 17, 2014

There is no place in society for someone like me.

November 10, 2014

Have you ever felt so low that looking up only clouds your vision even more?  Do you feel the angst that I feel even momentarily?  Do you ever think for one moment that the words I speak hold any truths?  Have I finally succumb to my own demise?  I don't have a leg to stand on anymore.  I try to do unselfishly and for others' but it somehow always backfires. I just don't understand anymore what my purpose is.  You are still here because God has something greater planned for you!  That is absolute bullshit.  I don't buy any of it.  I started to believe so, but realize it is all just a fucking game.  Life is a fucking game.  I am the prey and I allowed myself to become such by putting myself in the midst of a forest filled with starving beasts that want only to sink their fangs into me.  Go ahead, do me a final favor.  I won't put up a fight any longer, I haven't the strength. Here is the funniest part of it all, while I was lying there bleeding you thought it fucking commical to see me scream in agony so you poured salt on my open wounds. I must not be beaten down enough, so have at it.