Hotel California....

Being by Peter Marinelli

Being is the eternal, ever-present One Life beyond the myriad forms of life that are subject to birth and death.

However, Being is not only beyond but also deep won within every form as its innermost invisible and indestructible essence.

This means that it is accessible to you now as your own deepest self, your true nature.

But don’t try to grasp it with your mind. Don’t try to understand it.

You can only know it when the mind is still, when you are present, fully and intensely in the Now

To regain awareness of Being and to abide in that state of ‘feeling-realization’ is enlightenment.

-Tolle-

Some hearts are broken and mended, others are shattered and torn, although it was never intended, for love is eternally sworn, I've cried and prayed and pleaded, for love to hold his ground, hope was all I needed and pain was all I found.

April 24, 2013

I feel myself falling off of my own balance beam and I'm not liking this one bit. I'm scared half to death, half I say. How do I recenter myself so that I can maintain my stability or what little there is. How do I scrape myself off of one side in order to put the two halves of self back together? What if it's not possible, what if it's too late? I can't allow for that person to emerge, not now, not ever... I see her shadow daily and have to step over her... I know what lurks within. My heart is racing, my fingertips are almost numb, a tingling sensation has come over me, and yep...you've guess it...I am scared! I don't want this feeling to linger any longer than necessary if it is at all necessary to begin with. Is this a warning sign? Should I heed it's warning signals? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

April 20, 2013

I walked right into it didn't I? I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I was finally moving forward, past all of the pain, the fears. I was wrong. They're all right there, staring me down, making me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in my own skin, and anyone who knows me, knows how uncomfortable I have been. I'm not even sure where I begin or where I end for that matter. Why must I constantly allow myself to fall prey. I'm not a mouse anymore. I try to stand up for myself, and you better believe that it scares me almost half to death. Keep your talons tucked away, because the flesh that you so freely dug into has turned to stone. The flesh that you once feasted upon is no longer for the taking. Stop trying to tear me apart piece by piece. I will fight every step of the way, and I know that I will be defeated and the pain will be horrific, and I will bleed, I will scream...eventually I will recover as I always have, and crawl once again to my feet, holding what remains of my heart and soul in my hands, trying with all of my might to protect those fragments of dignity that I have somehow mustered, wishing that somewhere, somehow, someone would find me worthy of their time to help me to my feet. Here I am, once again, feeling feelings I had locked away. There's always something lurching behind every damn door. Lies, broken promises...why must I allow myself to continually fall prey to all of this. I must really be unworthy. I'm just feeling so uneasy, so empty. I have no idea where I'm actually going with this, it's not helping me tonight. I know I'm rambling and rightfully so. I'm hurt, I feel hurt, every inch of me, whoever that is...hurts. It's so unfair. I'll grow tired soon enough and when I do, when I turn my back as others' have done, when I am done being beaten down, when I can no longer tolerate the pain inflicted, then and only then will I begin to recover...again.

April 18, 2013

“Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide. ”

April 16, 2013

I realize that memories are built from life altering experiences. Some of them aren't worth holding onto. However; those few that have left an imprint in the heart are the ones that keep me moving forward. There aren't many people that I can say have left such imprints although the ones that have are the ones reading this, right this very moment. It may have taken me my entire life to get here, after all there were many side streets that I needed to travel, for whatever reason. I only know this much...I am here, right here, right now and I have you and you and YOU to thank.