November 12, 2010

So it seems I am taking the road "less traveled".  I presume it's safe to say I have absolutely no direction at this point, only hopes that I am building on my future by making myself stronger daily.  I do have the strength of a thousand men, I know this.  My shoulders some days do seem weighted down, but I carry on nonetheless.

October 4, 2010

There is an incredible feeling of self loathing coming over me today as in the days prior, for weeks I sit and stew every time this year it all consumes me completely.  Not allowing myself the ability to let go of my past is without hesitation killing me, perhaps not physically but emotionally and spiritually.  I push everyone to include my ownself away, I don't recall days where I have felt genuine happiness, and knowing that it is attainable I can't seem to grasp reality and move forward.  I visited "you" the other day and I felt a heart warming sense of relief upon my departure, however empty and lonely I feel now is my own doing I presume, it shouldn't be this way but yet it is still.  I'm not certain if I know how to let go or where to begin, I don't like who I have become and yet knowingly continue to bathe in this pitty port so to speak.  I do not know for how long I have been here or how much longer I am able to remain, I know only this...get the FUCK out of my head and leave me the HELL alone.

September 1, 2010

So begins yet another long month...I dread September...even more so the month of October...not for any other reason then this...On September 30, 1989, which by the way was a Sunday, I found myself working as I had always done, freshly graduated from high school, my whole life was in front of me or so I thought. My dreams were wild and very much alive then. The phone rings at work and it's for me, who the 'HELL' would be calling me at this ever so dreary job at this hour of the day? I answer the call, only to hear a cry (almost falling to my knees) I listened carefully to the words that were spoken to me..."Kelly, Gina was in an accident, you have to come to the hospital NOW!" With that being said I gathered my belongings and began a trip that was only 5 minutes but somehow seemed to drag on to the ends of the Earth, upon arrival I was greeted by a familiar face and told it doesn't look good. "FUCK ME" I thought, I trecked ever so gloomily to the floor I was directed to go to, and upon exiting the elevator my worst fears had become an ever so familiar horrifying dream that which plays upon me constantly. "We lost her!" What the fuck do you mean you lost her? How can you lose something so precious, a human life, a best-friend, where did she go? Why? I still to this very day recall my every step, every emotion, every breath, everything, it's as though it's happening again and again and again. I've tried with all of my might to 'let go and let God' yet it seems the harder I try to do such a thing I stumble and fall. I would have given my life for her, and I know that she is very well aware of that. I am more grateful today for my family (mom, Traci) for without the two of them I would surely be lost as well...The pain from that day never lets up, yet I strive with all of my might to move forward as slowly as I've been going for the past 20 something years, I am still moving forward. Thank you to those of you who have stood by me, and let me fall, and get up again time and time and time again. I love you all. This is for you...

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me


If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah


Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

August 23, 2010

I had the most wonderful of all weekends watching and observing my 14 year old daughter become one of God's children. She was indeed the most stunning and breathtaking vision I have ever seen, however; I felt as though I was losing her at the same time. Perhaps it's the way I have gone about behaving and interacting with my children that brings me to this feeling, nonetheless it was there, strong and heartwrenching to say the least, I made it through, held my head (or so I thought). It's amazing to actually visualize your youngest daughter amongst family and friends. She touches the lives of everyone she encounters and that makes my heart glow with gladness, not that I am taking full credit for the young woman she has become, because God knows I have not been positive role model at all (so I've been told time and time again) but I would like to be. I am looking forward to changing my ways as it's been extremely trying the past few weeks, emotions are up and down, mood swings are in full force, I feel as though I can't think straight most days let alone the minutes that drag into hours during these days. Why is it that I can't get my thoughts together as I have in the past, I ramble on about bullshit, and in doing so lose site of what is most important to me.

August 16, 2010

God works in mysterious ways and by no means' am I being cynical, his works of art are the most amazing pieces I have ever witnessed with my own eyes, and will continue to do so on a daily basis. I have been blinded by manipulation, in many ways, and today I have been given the gift of site. I will be utilizing my newly found vision to take in all that I possibly can, God willing. I will not be a prisoner to the darkness any longer, I will (when I am strong enough) spread my wings and take flight, only breaking to rest along the way. It's a glorious feeling knowing that I am bettering myself, for myself and by myself.

August 11, 2010

Sometimes while reading comments on my posts I realize that there are greater things in store for me, but I tend to put them off to the side for some unknown reason; however this one...touched my soul in it's entirety...I love you MOM!



Dear Friend,

How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I care about you.I saw you yesterday as you talked with your friend. I waited all day hoping you would want to talk with me too. I gave you a sunset to close your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. It hurt me-but I still love you because I am your friend.I saw you sleeping last night and longed to touch your brow so I spilled moonlight upon your face. Again I waited, wanting to rush down so we could talk, I have so many gifts for you! You woke and rushed off to work. My tears were in the rain. If you would only listen to me! I love you! I try to tell you in blue skies and in the quiet green grass. I whisper it in leaves on the trees and breathe it in colors of flowers, shout it to you in mountain streams, give the birds love songs to sing, I clothe you with warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you is DEEPER than the OCEAN, and BIGGER than the BIGGEST NEED in YOUR HEART! Ask me! Talk with me! Please don't forget me. I have so much to share with you!I won't hassle you any further. It is YOUR decision. I have CHOSEN YOU and I will wait -I love you.

Your friend,Jesus

August 9, 2010

So today GOD I presume is testing my ability to maintain my sanity, or is it satan trying to grab me and bring me down, no matter the reasoning behind all of the name calling and/or the belittling; I (YES I) can take no more. I have gone beyond the limitations that any one single human being can endure. I am not an asshole as I've been told, nor am I that self-centered, self-loathing, delusional, mental bitch that others' refer to me as. I am "KELLY" that's it, there are none other that I go by and if there are those of you who cannot pronounce my name sake then for by all means do me a favor, don't put forth the effort in trying to form the words that have or are going to slip past your tongues, because apparently if that's truly how I am perceived by other's than I am not worthy of your time, nor are you of mine. I am allowing myself this time during this day to release the tensions that have been built up, if it's taken to heart then so be it.