July 30, 2010

So goes by another month as quickly as the last and those before that one. It used to seem that time stood still and yet continued to move ahead at a rather slow and agonizing pace, but that's not the case any longer. The days are seemingly endless while the sun is shining, and when the night creeps up on me, it's as though the darkness takes over my soul, (if that makes the least bit of sense) consuming me completely in it's grasp, the unknowing, or the nothingness takes hold of me and drags me to depths I thought I'd never encounter again, yet it's there, calling out my name, screaming to me, wanting me to fall to my knees and give in to the girl I once was. I wonder some days if I'll have the strength to make it through, to close my eyes long enough to envision what it is I dream of...I know it's there, somewhere, but where? I hear the voices of other's telling me to hold on to my dreams, telling me I have the strength of a thousand men. I'll agree my shoulders are broad, but only to hold myself up physically.

July 28, 2010

It's seems as though every single living soul is looking for a hand out...well put your damn hands back in your fucking pockets, cause this chick is done giving. All I have left is absolutely nothing, I am so fucking sick and tired of being shit on by others' I cannot endure one more day of this crap. I want to scream...just leave me the fuck alone...for God's sake leave me alone. Find someone else to blame for YOUR shortcomings cause I am not the one.

July 27, 2010

I realized just this very morning that for every tear I shed one memory is lost...be it good, bad or indifferent, it really doesn't matter much because shedding tears is just one of many wonderful characteristics that makes me who I am. I laugh, I cry...I'm scared, Icry...I'm angry, I cry...no matter the circumstance I will in some way, shape and/or form shed a few tears. I've been told I treat people like shit, especially the ones' closest to me, well here's a little tid bit, if you weren't such a horses ass I wouldn't. Grow the f@#$ up already, I have no room in my life for bullshit, horseshit, cowshit, none of 'em, so get over yourselves. Enough is enough, and by GOD I've had just about all I can endure for this lifetime. THIS LIFE IS A TEST, THIS LIFE IS ONLY A TEST...what exactly does that mean? I'll tell you I've passed, I have passed, I've fallen down and been kicked whilst down there, I've picked myself up, brushed myself off so many times I becoming caloused so to speak, I will not allow others' to kick me while I'm down any longer, so find another victim, I will not be yours, theirs, his, or hers', not today, tomorrow not ever. I've decided to take the straight and narrow road this time, the one overgrown with emotion, I can handle it now, it may seem lonely at times' but I need this...I need this now more than ever. I am rekindling a relationship with myself, discovering new and wonderful qualities I once thought lost amongst the rest of the debry...I was lost but now am found....

July 21, 2010

Today has been one of the most liberating of all days thus far, I can't explain why, but I feel as though a brick (a life time of bricks) has been lifted off of my shoulders and now I have no where to turn but in the right direction. I have allowed myself to feel completely oppressed for so many years, not knowing who I was I think was the most evil of all demons. I find myself thinking more clearly than ever. I know that today is only that...today...so for today I feel wonderful. Step on my toes all you want, I'm just going to push you right the hell out of my way, because no one, nothing, not a single morsel of anyone's being will block my path, just for today.

July 20, 2010

Talk about trying my patience and my strength...asking simple questions apparently are not acceptable to some. It is what it is I presume, I am no longer going to allow others' to make me feel less than, I can do that all on my own, and yet I still allow them to manipulate and kick me while I'm down. The world does not REVOLVE around ONLY YOU! I'm living proof that it doesn't and so are the billions of others' occupying this green earth as well. What the fuck is going on? Why do people insist on shitting on others', I have my reasons, and I can stand behind them if anyone needs to question me. I'm not saying that I have an answer for everything because if in fact I did, I would not be letting it all out here for all to view. Obviously another day for ranting because my thoughts are not in chronological order nor are they complete thoughts, little pieces here and there and I, for some reason cannot put them in the order they belong. If I had the ability to, financially, emotionally, physically (okay complete ability) I would not be sitting here typing a single word, not a stroke of the key would sound off and echo in my head. I need an escape, I need change for real, not simple change, I need, I WANT to move on and move forward, but something is holding me back and I hate whatever it is, don't you think that if I could place my finger on it I would. I'll answer that one for myself, HELL YES I would.

July 19, 2010

Such a doldrum day, is this why they say sitting and stewing in your own shit? I think not, I'll clue you all in on a lil' secret...the attacks from others' the holes that have been dug so deep its' a heart wrenching hurt, the accusations thrown and the fingers constantly pointed are what makes us think we are sitting and stewing when all I am really doing is weighing the pros and cons at this very moment and every moment here on out. I have reached my limit, seriously, and I know everyone thinks, yea right you've said that before, or perhaps that I'm bullshitting them, you know feeding a line, hook without the sinker...FUCK!!! Not this fucking time, this is for real, I am standing on the edge just waiting for that last and final push, cuz there's no one other than me standing there, so I either jump or take a step back huh? I just want black and white, on a piece of paper, hand written. Please!? Here I am all by myself, finally, at last...pushing these thoughts through my mind as quickly as they appear. I don't want to think them, better yet I don't want to think at all anymore, it's too time consuming and extremely confusing most times. I know what it is I need to do in order to maintain my sanity if there's even a morsel of that left, or did I allow others' to take that too? Hmmm...simple questions, with complex answers, not what I'm looking for either. FUCK ME! Shouldn't have to be this way, so then why am I allowing myself to fall through the cracks and lower my standards and allow others' to dictate how I feel, live, laugh and love?

July 17, 2010

If I lose sight of what I left behind I will never see what lies ahead, is that right?