September 15 , 2014

After multiple attempts at a 'healthy' relationship with numerous others' be they male or female, I have drawn my own conclusion in that I am not meant for any relationship. I don't need the stress nor do I need the aggravation that accompanies said relationships either. I create images in my head that prevent me from moving forward with my life and I take full responsibility for my actions no matter the outcome. I am faced daily with demons that lurk in the crevices of my mind and make themselves visible at the most inopportune times. I hate who I have become, a cynic, a campaigner for those tormented by years of lies and abuse, an abuser myself (in defense). I manipulate my own thoughts so that I have the strength to face the coming 'attractions' daily. It's so overwhelming anymore that I where blinders now so that no outside influences obscure my vision. It may seem selfish and perhaps others' believe that I am looking for a 'pity party' however; all I want is to be left alone. Alone with my thoughts, in my own head. I don't possess the capability of mingling with others' in a manner set forth by 'society'. I haven't the desire either. Where does that leave me? Does this make me a cruel being?

September 12, 2014

I have heard on and off for the better part of my life that "better days are coming", well I have been waiting a lifetime for those days to appear and nothing yet. HELLO? Am I the last of the black sheep to be roaming?

September 11, 2014

While the rest of the world is remembering the events that took place 13 years ago on this very date, going over emotions and photos, the media splashing the horror all over the television, social media sites blowing up walls with statuses about the same; I sit here wondering where I went wrong. I discovered a long time ago that I am not relationship ready, nor will I ever be. I fool myself into thinking so, going back and forth with the thoughts in my head, recalling childhood fairy tales wondering why they publish such nonsense when a "Happily Ever After" is not attainable at least not for me. I feel as though I am constantly referring to happiness and such and all that it is supposed to represent however; if I truly knew it wouldn't be a constant topic of discussion for me. It's just distressing how others' can be so manipulative and conniving in order to get their own way. I don't believe I do those sorts of things. Lately I have been reminiscing about everything that has taken place in my life and I wish I could pinpoint where it was exactly that mine started falling apart. I hear others' tell me that I am a strong individual for raising three kids on my own and yet I do not see that at all. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I'm scared of what each tomorrow will bring. Holy shit, here it is again! FEAR, that fucker! He's back to torment me. I give up, have at it. I wish you would rip me to shreds once and for all because I haven't the strength to put up fight.

September 9, 2014

"The purpose of memory is not to let us recall the past, but to let us anticipate the future. Memory is a tool for prediction." - Alain Berthoz With that being said, how is it that a tool meant to predict our future can wreak such havoc on some yet others scathe? Is it me against the world or am I just fighting an endless battle within myself? I cannot escape my memories of past experiences no matter how I try. Therapy allows for me to open painful wounds and afterward I am left bleeding as if I had just relived the moments in time I have tried so desperately to escape. What's next?

August 21, 2014

I've been coasting for some time now and I'm not sure how I've escaped tragedy. If the phrase, "God has something great in store for you", holds any truths, I pray it makes itself somehow visible NOW. I feel as though I was just hit by shrapnel and the pain is just too unbearable. I haven't a leg left to stand on and I'm disgusted with myself and my life; which I haven't made much of because I'm always fucking something up somehow. Have you ever felt like such a complete and utter failure no matter what others' might say? I wince when another tells me that I'm making progress, or how far I've come, stay positive and things will come full circle for you. FUCK! I just want to give up.

July 18, 2104

It has been quite some time since my last entry and the guilt that follows with the absence of a clear mind is overwhelming. My children are growing up before my very eyes and I feel that I have neglected each one of their needs. I work my ass off to provide yet it never seems enough. I struggle daily with my own sanity and my ability to stay sober, if not for myself but for them. My youngest daughter is about to compete for Miss Teen International 2015 in Florida next week and the fear I feel inside is preventing me from feeling elated that she has overcome so much in such a short period of time. My oldest is an amazing young woman, beautiful beyond my wildest dreams, although we butt heads more often than not she is still a wonderful young woman. My son who turned 16 this year will be entering his Junior year of high school come September and then the following he graduates and heads off to the Marine Corps. I am saddened by all that is taking place with the three of them yet knowing I have raised them solely on my own gives me such satisfaction. I guess what I am rambling on about is the fact that soon I will have that empty nest I hear others' talking so freely about and it scares the shit out of me. I'm so afraid to be alone, yet I know that it is inevitable.

June 19, 2014

I’m not certain the significance of all that I am experiencing emotionally or if there is any at all, perhaps the irony of how things play themselves out is what I need to focus on as opposed to the, why me all of the time.