January 28, 2017

I have spent so much time in the darkness of my own abyss that I am terrified to peak my head above the wall to see the sunlight. Does that make any sense?

January 24, 2017

I know DEPRESSION can torment a person however; I didn't know that it could last for years. I thought I had sunk to an all-time low before, little did I know that, that was merely the beginning of the abyss I frequent. The cold and darkness here is slowly killing me. I have sought out help, screamed for help, reached for hands that were no longer extended only to slip further into my own demise. The negatives have taken over any hopes of regaining a positive attitude.

January 23, 2017

If burls can be dug out of solid ground, drug through the mud and finally polished to perfection.....can the same be done with an individual? I mean, come on now haven't I put myself through enough? I wouldn't mind shining like a burl that was once hidden and buried.

January 12, 2017

So I suppose all that I complain about has been brought on by none other than myself. Why is that? Some would think that I've tortured myself long enough but somehow it never seems enough. I made a move thinking I could escape myself and start fresh. Little did I know how much more I would be punishing myself, no job, no friends. I have family all over but they have their own lives to live and respectfully so. Why is it that what I want out of life never seems to come to fruition? It isn't sabatoge, it isn't because I don't want to be happy because I do. I want to belong somehow, somewhere, someway.  I guess I want what all those fairy tales promised.

January 11, 2017

I have not felt this alone surrounded by people in quite some time. It is the ultimate uncomfortable feeling. I'm almost afraid to move, breathe and all else. I'm on the edge again. Just fucking push me and I will finally be free. No more worrying whether I disappoint other's or what have you. The constant pointing of fingers and condescending tones, belittling and disrespect has come full circle once again. I knew I would never measure up, I knew I would never amount to anything. I am here for the sole purpose of cleaning and reorganizing and even that isn't enough. When the fuck will it be my turn. When will I finally come first? When will I feel comfort and security? Why do I find myself constantly begging when I know I'm not worth anything? This is where my life has taken me. Back to the "Good Ship Misery", I need to simply face the truth and realize that I will not ever be good enough. I know I am moody and unstable but who wouldn't be after all I am a prisoner within my own mind and these walls. I thought if I gave enough it would be just that, enough. Apparently I was wrong as I always am. I wish I had the ability to turn myself inside out so that those of you who have so willingly and freely scarred my soul can visualize it all for yourselves. I truly wish I knew what I did so wrong to deserve such. Where did I go wrong in life? I truly wish that I were not here, it's too painful anymore and I don't have the ability to control my emotions let alone have the strength to carry on much longer. It hurts so bad every single day. I try to mask the pain with a partial smile and somehow that smile never seems to shine through. Happiness? True happiness? I will never know that.

Standing in the Cold

"Standing in the cold, dark bathroom, she hacked into her wrist with a razor blade and quietly stared at the blood that flowed from the cut. She told herself she was a bad person and deserved the pain.
A part of her felt reassured by the sight of the blood – it showed she was alive – since she felt so dead and empty inside. As she stared at her image in the bathroom mirror, she thought, “I have no idea who that person is staring back at me.” Author Unknown

January 7, 2017

I suppose I am reaping what I have sewn. I am getting it paid forward and whatever other cliches fill in the gaps. I thought I could find happiness before I die however; it seems the wool has been pulled over my own eyes this time. What a complete ducking fool I must be to think that for one moment in time I deserved and sort of happiness.  I will delve into my own self pity now because I know I can depend on it. Always had hope that one day I just might be worthy enough.  Just when I thought it was safe to merely tread in the shallow depths of the water, I succumb to the evil that lay beneath it's surface. Unbeknownst to me the evil that lies low are those that I am familiar with. I should have know but I took a leap of 'faith' and looked the other way as I have always done and will probably always do. I should at this point in time just kick my own ass and rightfully so. I deserve that much!

January 6, 2017

Is it possible to TRULY "LOVE" another after your first true love has been lost? I have been racking my brain all day with this question and have no more of an answer than when I first woke.

January 5, 2017

BPD, BDD, GAD, MANIC DEPRESSION, BULIMIA...is there more to life than living in this shell of stigmatic diagnosis?

January 4, 2017

The fight within continues...I struggle daily to move forward within and without and yet I see no signs of light at the end of ANY tunnel. It's a hopeless (or so it seems) battle and there has yet to be seen a winning streak. The scars are internal and external. Clearly I can manage one last attempt.