July28, 2015

Blog entry..... I pray GOD deems me worthy today. I cannot endure this life any longer!!!!

July 28, 2015

I wonder if you have ever seriously pondered the thought or the idea even of just throwing your hands up and giving up completely.  I feel like a car wreck in the worst possible way.  I can't control my emotions, I'm killing my own self slowly.  I think I want to die even, I can't be certain but I know the idea has been lingering in my head for some time now and I become so enraged some nights, sleepless nights that I am afraid to be by myself.  I don't need companionship, relationships, friendships none of them.  It was a mere dream of mine once upon a time and I have thrown all of those ideals out the fucking window along with the cigarette butts.  I am WORTHLESS!

July 27, 2015

The anxiety is absolutely debilitating.  I cannot find a way around it at this point.  I simply want to sit and cry myself into a permanent state of sleep.  I don't know how to cope with this anymore.  If G.O.D. is listening PLEASE help me get through this. PLEASE?!

July 23, 2015

Feelings of complete inadequacy abound today.  Nothing I say or do pleases anyone.  Some days, more days often than not, I wish I weren't here.  I hate this life, if not for my children I would be dead.

July 20, 2015

I speak frequently of anxiety and such and in doing so only wreak more havoc within myself.  I have not felt relaxed or somewhat in what seems decades.  There is always a demon of sorts sitting on the outskirts of my subconscious waiting for the ideal moment to attack. Why is that?  I have tried exercise, meditation, mood altering drugs (prescribed) and all else that has been suggested.  Nothing seems to pacify that ravenous creature.  Perhaps I am going crazy and all that good shit. 

Anxiety...

July 7, 2015

I live by truths and when I discover that I have been betrayed by those I have trusted I want to crawl under a fucking rock and die.  It causes the mind to wreak havoc on my entire being. I built a wall and was certain I had it reinforced and I'll be damned if that wasn't good enough.  What more can I do?  There is nothing left to say.  If for one moment anyone thinks that lying by omission is acceptable then you have no morals either.