November 24, 2014

I have tried to manage my anxiety, as well as my emotions for far too long now and have been completely unsuccessful. I no longer possess the slightest desire to attempt to make a solitaire individual remotely satisfied, because it is without question impossible for ME to pacify any other at all. I hate this life, I have had my fucking fill and I cannot express that enough. Let shit go you all say, well here is some late breaking fucking news for you ALL, " I cannot just let shit go so get off my damn back!"  I will not EVER forgive anyone for anything, not ever.

November 18, 2014

I keep tapping at these damned keys in hopes that something will snap as it has before, inside of my mind and free me from this horrific bondage of self or so they say.  My eyes are so swollen I haven't the ability to see the light of day from any angle.  I thought perhaps yesterday morning would have been my last, but alas here I am once again pecking at keys, struggling to stay afloat, no matter the water that carry me. 

November 17, 2014

There is no place in society for someone like me.

November 10, 2014

Have you ever felt so low that looking up only clouds your vision even more?  Do you feel the angst that I feel even momentarily?  Do you ever think for one moment that the words I speak hold any truths?  Have I finally succumb to my own demise?  I don't have a leg to stand on anymore.  I try to do unselfishly and for others' but it somehow always backfires. I just don't understand anymore what my purpose is.  You are still here because God has something greater planned for you!  That is absolute bullshit.  I don't buy any of it.  I started to believe so, but realize it is all just a fucking game.  Life is a fucking game.  I am the prey and I allowed myself to become such by putting myself in the midst of a forest filled with starving beasts that want only to sink their fangs into me.  Go ahead, do me a final favor.  I won't put up a fight any longer, I haven't the strength. Here is the funniest part of it all, while I was lying there bleeding you thought it fucking commical to see me scream in agony so you poured salt on my open wounds. I must not be beaten down enough, so have at it.

November 8, 2014

Today I thought for some fucked up reason, would somehow turn put to be a good day emotionally however; being made to feel you are an asshole and every word that comes out of your mouth is bullshit kind of put a damper on that. I really fucking hate myself. I can't believe I am still alive after all that has been said and done.

November 7, 2014

You would think that after so many years of allowing others' to dictate my moods that I would just walk away from the negativity that I surround myself with.  Unfortunately, I am not that type of person, when I do something to someone who is undeserving I am crippled with guilt and go out of my way to please.  I constantly back myself up against walls and such with no hope of escape.  I know I disappoint my children almost daily and that they view me as a failure but I continue to endure all that comes my way, as terrified as I am today I will continue to allow the words thrown at me to penetrate deep and tear my soul to shreds for the millionth time, and then somehow hoist myself up and disappoint another again.

November 6, 2014

First and fucking foremost, I DO NOT MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! Second, I am sick and fucking tired of taking blame for EVERYTHING. So, essentially it is ALL of you making it about me by placing ALL of the fucking blame on me. I am so sick of life. I actually hate it, I wish my death clock would hurry up and fast forward. I have no desire to see what any tomorrow brings. Life itself has sucked for far too long.