October 16, 2013

How can one look back on pain and struggle then look in the mirror and see strength? I don’t see strength! I see failure. I see FEAR! He may not be visible to you but I see him. Every single morning, so I avoid looking in the mirror so I don’t have to face myself, nor FEAR. I know he comes at me at all hours of each and every day, waiting in the cold damp darkness for me to let what little guard I have left down. I am so weak, I barely have the ability to put my thoughts together. I am trembling from within. I feel my heart pounding and then it’s as if it just stops, then I breathe in and it begins again. Louder and louder until it drowns out all else and the pounding in my head is no longer of my heart but a throbbing headache left behind as a reminder from FEAR that he is patiently waiting around each and every corner for me. I no longer have the ability to hold my head up yet look to the ground in a sullen, misguided, desperate attempt to regain consciousness. I just want this all to end. This journey has not been a journey for just anyone. It has beaten me down, stripped me of any dignity I thought I might have salvaged from the last wreckage. Just really broken. Broken and tired.

October 15, 2013

It's so difficult wading in waters that are meant for boats. I've rid myself of life preservers because they no longer serve there purpose if they ever had. I have for so long tried to push my way into others' lives and without fail have pushed in the wrong direction. My heart hurts. The pain is almost unbearable. Is it so wrong to want to fit in somewhere, anywhere? I am so tired of being me. Most days I can't even look myself in the eye because I am so disgusted. I can't continue pretending...I can't hold a smile, I disappoint more people than I ever imagined and in doing so hate myself all the more. Why am I still here?

F.E.A.R.

FEAR is becoming more intense with each passing second. I can feel it in my veins, the way my pulse reacts to the thunderous pounding of my heart. I hear it approaching yet I cannot move. It’s as if I am frozen in time, although I know that I’m not. I can feel the damp cold in my bones, I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and my fingers are becoming numb. Here I am, stationary. I dare not move for I know most certainly that those talons; sharp as knives; will tear flesh that’s oh so soft; and wounds that were closed will reopen, as if to invite others’ to taste my flesh. I stand watching as it gathers as much as it can with its dagger-like talons and reaches down with its razor sharp teeth and rips open the partially exposed muscle, feasting on me as if I were not living. The pain is unbearable, I can feel the burning from within yet; I stand motionless still. I can’t move. I am trying with all of my might and I CANNOT MOVE! Could this possibly be, am I allowing it to happen, will I recover once again or will FEAR take hold of my soul as well?

October 15, 2013

Whatever I have, whatever I am, I will give it all away for serenity, a solitaire day, and if it’s not too much to ask, perhaps a week of serenity. I have yet to experience one completely serene day. If my soul wasn’t tattered and torn, I would offer it up in exchange for such. However; the remnants that remain would not cover the cost of such. Therefore I will go on wearily, dragging myself, trudging the roads that lead me back to ‘nowhere’, in hopes that I might find on my very own that ‘serenity’.