June 8, 2012

     It's days like this that make me wonder what my purpose in life is. What is it that I'm supposed to be doing? Who am I supposed to be with? What will happen tomorrow? Will FRUSTRATION take hold of my thoughts once again? Will I know peace and happiness or is it really attainable?

     I've written a "bucket list" and every desire I've had is scribbled on only a few lines. I aspire to inspire others' but somehow get lost between reality and fantasy; and I'm not saying that my life is anything short of a conglomerate of realities because to live solely in a fantasy world would prove detrimental, not only for myself but others'. I woke up this morning and the sun was peering over the horizon so I had to stop a moment and breathe it in. To bask only in the sunlight is what I want, it not only warms the skin (my skin) but the soul (my soul), some may argue that I have no soul, but if they really cared to look deep enough they would see that I do indeed have just that (A SOUL). It's a rant day today and I intend to do just that...RANT!

     Am I a puppet and my puppeteer is tugging on my strings with intent to confuse me, which turns immediately into frustration and from there...it's WAR. My mind races, my thoughts are scattered. The past takes complete hold and I question everything from my thoughts right on down to my actions and reactions. I question my relationship, my abilities to provide for my children, my sanity and lastly my ability to maintain my sobriety (which hasn't been easy lately), but I'm maintaining nonetheless.  A daily struggle. 

     Rapunzel was locked in a tower for many years, until one day, a knight, not just any knight; her knight, the man she knew was destined for her, the one who could save her from herself, rescued her.  That tower isolated her from everyone and everything, as I have done to myself.  I have been a prisoner in my own mind for most of my life. A KNIGHT!  HA!!! It's most difficult for me to allow another to step in and offer help, I feel as though I'm taking advantage of them, so the guilt takes hold and (WOOHOO) off to the races I go.  It's a backlash effect every single time.  No matter the situation, something or someone has to trip the frigging wires, ignite the flame, fuel the fire and by that time there is no turning back, nothing can contain the turmoil that has been let loose, so I ride out the fight and pray to GOD (or whatever) that it will go as quickly as it came.

     A whimsical conversation that was burning out of control before the words flowed past my lips, caused me such inner turbulence that I allowed it to consume me.  If I had thought prior to spewing words and said what I really wanted then none of this would have overwhelmed my thoughts.  In jest perhaps it slipped past your lips, but what I truly want is the question you asked, and my response was nothing short of the untruth.  YES!  I should have said, "YES!"  I'm afraid to expose my desires, my wants out of fear of rejection or ridicule perhaps.