FEAR

Why is it that I allow 'FEAR' to control my every waking moment.  It's absolutely draining, both physically and emotionally.  Pent up anxiety turned into anger, caused by fear, my controller, I allow myself to lash out, not only towards others' (whom are innocent bystanders for the most part), but myself.  I turn it inward and become, once again, fragile (if fragile suits the situation).  I question EVERYTHING! My life turns upside down because I have fallen prey to something that is not able to be seen with the human eye, or any eye for that matter.  I become insecure, so insecure that it creates gashes so deep that all I've worked towards seeps out or gushes out rather, and leaves me standing naked, again.  Vulnerable and scared is how I am feeling today. 

Why can't I speak my mind?  Why is it that I put my own desires on hold and settle?  I'm sick and tired of settling.  I have wants too! I most certainly have needs that are screaming to be met. It’s the phone calls, the unexplained text message, an email on occasion just to say “Hi, I was thinking about you!”, that mean the most to me. I believe those small gestures make all the difference. It’s the hours of silence and not knowing, it’s the criticism (and at times not so constructive) that make me wonder, “what if?” I deserve acknowledgment; I deserve to be pampered not only by myself but by another as well. Why not? I go out of my way to show my affection, putting aside my own desires (there it is again), in order to avoid conflict, or FEAR of rejection to any degree. I’m tired of excuses stemming not only from my own lips but others’ as well. It’s time for me to stop being the runner, I’m stepping up to the plate, warming up my game, and I will not strike out. Not this time.


Of course as always I'm making no sense whatsoever to those reading this, but it makes perfect sense to me, it's all a matter of delivery and somedays my delivery is better than others'.  If I could put in order my thoughts as they come to me, I'm certain that everything would come together wonderfully; but for now, it is what it is.  I've been ranting and raving for months now and it seems to get me no where.  Why is that?  Am I truly too needy?  I personally don't believe that for one moment.  I have needs, but they may be superficial for all I know.  I try to be reasonable, and fair however; I, too, falter, some might say more so than others'.  It's all me.

I guess it comes down to absolute, fear of living life, perhaps on life's terms, but then again...why can't I live life on my terms.  I've made mistakes, big ones' at that, and have paid my dues and yet I walk away feeling beaten and used.  Fuck FEAR! I can't stand this shit.  FEAR needs to take shelter in someone elses' life and leave me alone.  Freedom from FEAR?  Hmmmmmm