Excuses.....

Myself defined by another.... I see it, I speak of it, I live it, yet FEAR....imposes itself upon me and I'm back to square one.  Time to leave it all behind.  After all it is called 'the past' for a reason..... Okay, I am ready!

Excuses by Peter Marinelli

Do I make excuses to justify my inaction or my inappropriate actions?


Do I make excuses to continue living with old ideas and prejudices that inwardly harm me and outwardly harm others?


Do I find some sort of comfort in my excuses that allow me to isolate from life and others?


Are not many of my excuses the result of fear?


How long do I want to live in the world of excuses rather than living in the world of the spirit? Oh no here comes an excuse. “The only people who live in the world of the spirit are enlightened people and I’ll never be one of them”.


I’ll never get in shape I’m too old or too busy.


I’ll never find a mate, no one wants me because I’m ugly or I don’t have enough money, etc.


Isn’t it time to be rid of the things that are keeping us down?


Isn’t it time to be rid of the judge, jury and executioner, we call the thinking mind, and its' best friend fear.


Just asking.

Blessings,

Chop wood carry water
Peter Marinelli

June 21, 2012

I AM POWERLESS!

FEAR

Why is it that I allow 'FEAR' to control my every waking moment.  It's absolutely draining, both physically and emotionally.  Pent up anxiety turned into anger, caused by fear, my controller, I allow myself to lash out, not only towards others' (whom are innocent bystanders for the most part), but myself.  I turn it inward and become, once again, fragile (if fragile suits the situation).  I question EVERYTHING! My life turns upside down because I have fallen prey to something that is not able to be seen with the human eye, or any eye for that matter.  I become insecure, so insecure that it creates gashes so deep that all I've worked towards seeps out or gushes out rather, and leaves me standing naked, again.  Vulnerable and scared is how I am feeling today. 

Why can't I speak my mind?  Why is it that I put my own desires on hold and settle?  I'm sick and tired of settling.  I have wants too! I most certainly have needs that are screaming to be met. It’s the phone calls, the unexplained text message, an email on occasion just to say “Hi, I was thinking about you!”, that mean the most to me. I believe those small gestures make all the difference. It’s the hours of silence and not knowing, it’s the criticism (and at times not so constructive) that make me wonder, “what if?” I deserve acknowledgment; I deserve to be pampered not only by myself but by another as well. Why not? I go out of my way to show my affection, putting aside my own desires (there it is again), in order to avoid conflict, or FEAR of rejection to any degree. I’m tired of excuses stemming not only from my own lips but others’ as well. It’s time for me to stop being the runner, I’m stepping up to the plate, warming up my game, and I will not strike out. Not this time.


Of course as always I'm making no sense whatsoever to those reading this, but it makes perfect sense to me, it's all a matter of delivery and somedays my delivery is better than others'.  If I could put in order my thoughts as they come to me, I'm certain that everything would come together wonderfully; but for now, it is what it is.  I've been ranting and raving for months now and it seems to get me no where.  Why is that?  Am I truly too needy?  I personally don't believe that for one moment.  I have needs, but they may be superficial for all I know.  I try to be reasonable, and fair however; I, too, falter, some might say more so than others'.  It's all me.

I guess it comes down to absolute, fear of living life, perhaps on life's terms, but then again...why can't I live life on my terms.  I've made mistakes, big ones' at that, and have paid my dues and yet I walk away feeling beaten and used.  Fuck FEAR! I can't stand this shit.  FEAR needs to take shelter in someone elses' life and leave me alone.  Freedom from FEAR?  Hmmmmmm

June 20, 2012

It's come to my attention that I've been neglecting myself.  I am certain that while my drinking days were in full swing I neglected a lot of others' as well, my children for instance.  I unknowingly neglected them, thinking that just because I was present that, that was good enough, however; I failed to take into consideration that they were young, and being molded by my failures.  I am truly sorry for that.  I wish there was a way to change the past, but there isn't so I need only move forward from those days, as well as days past more recently. 

I say I've been neglecting myself, but in all actuality I think it's more than neglect.  I was thinking about myself for once today and realized that I still have those 'little girl' fantasies.  Whether a fantasy can become a reality I presume is entirely up to me.  I said it not too long ago, in fact a few posts ago that if I could have a do over, I would have said yes, yes I do in fact.  With regards to that statement I need to go back to a conversation I instigated, and it went something like this..."I want a divorce!", I said.  "We're not married, and thank God", he said.  I believe that this was all in jest, but just in the event that there was some sort of gratitude in that last statement, let me just say, that when asked if I wanted to get married and I stated a firm, "NO!", it was in fact not the truth.  My heart said, "YESSSS", whereas my mouth interceded and it came out "NO", and I believe it was out of pure fear.  Fear of the reaction I might receive, fear of REJECTION,  because I say that I don't want to, but  deep down inside, I dream of just that.  A blissful, wedding, with flowers, and family.  I stand there and cry (as I am so good at it) because I finally found the "ONE", I want to spend my life with.  Then here it comes, what if?  What if it's one sided?  What if it will always be a fantasy?  Can I truly be satisfied, happy and content?  I believe that I can be.  Like I said it's a fantasy, and only in story books and in the movies do they ever become one's reality.  I just needed to get that off of my chest because it has been tearing at my heartstrings for weeks now. 

Fear, pure, unadulterated fear.  It prevents me from doing, going, pursuing, stepping outside of the box and truly seeing the sunlight.  I mean; I see the sun, and feel it's warmth, but that's it.  I smell the fresh cut grass, hear the birds, see sights I forgot existed, but it all takes place within the confines of my safety net.  Sure I allow myself time out in order to do what "NEEDS" to be done, otherwise, I'm scared to death.  Ughhh, here I go again....RAMBLING....

Man in the Mirror

June 10, 2012

“There are thousands of paths. They all lead nowhere.

You must ask yourself one question: ‘Does this path have a heart?’

If it does, the path is good. If it doesn’t, it is of no use.”



Don Juan

June 8, 2012

     It's days like this that make me wonder what my purpose in life is. What is it that I'm supposed to be doing? Who am I supposed to be with? What will happen tomorrow? Will FRUSTRATION take hold of my thoughts once again? Will I know peace and happiness or is it really attainable?

     I've written a "bucket list" and every desire I've had is scribbled on only a few lines. I aspire to inspire others' but somehow get lost between reality and fantasy; and I'm not saying that my life is anything short of a conglomerate of realities because to live solely in a fantasy world would prove detrimental, not only for myself but others'. I woke up this morning and the sun was peering over the horizon so I had to stop a moment and breathe it in. To bask only in the sunlight is what I want, it not only warms the skin (my skin) but the soul (my soul), some may argue that I have no soul, but if they really cared to look deep enough they would see that I do indeed have just that (A SOUL). It's a rant day today and I intend to do just that...RANT!

     Am I a puppet and my puppeteer is tugging on my strings with intent to confuse me, which turns immediately into frustration and from there...it's WAR. My mind races, my thoughts are scattered. The past takes complete hold and I question everything from my thoughts right on down to my actions and reactions. I question my relationship, my abilities to provide for my children, my sanity and lastly my ability to maintain my sobriety (which hasn't been easy lately), but I'm maintaining nonetheless.  A daily struggle. 

     Rapunzel was locked in a tower for many years, until one day, a knight, not just any knight; her knight, the man she knew was destined for her, the one who could save her from herself, rescued her.  That tower isolated her from everyone and everything, as I have done to myself.  I have been a prisoner in my own mind for most of my life. A KNIGHT!  HA!!! It's most difficult for me to allow another to step in and offer help, I feel as though I'm taking advantage of them, so the guilt takes hold and (WOOHOO) off to the races I go.  It's a backlash effect every single time.  No matter the situation, something or someone has to trip the frigging wires, ignite the flame, fuel the fire and by that time there is no turning back, nothing can contain the turmoil that has been let loose, so I ride out the fight and pray to GOD (or whatever) that it will go as quickly as it came.

     A whimsical conversation that was burning out of control before the words flowed past my lips, caused me such inner turbulence that I allowed it to consume me.  If I had thought prior to spewing words and said what I really wanted then none of this would have overwhelmed my thoughts.  In jest perhaps it slipped past your lips, but what I truly want is the question you asked, and my response was nothing short of the untruth.  YES!  I should have said, "YES!"  I'm afraid to expose my desires, my wants out of fear of rejection or ridicule perhaps.