Me and You....

February 15, 2012

Okay. I do overreact.

Have you ever been in love?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

February 13, 2012

I either am, or I'm not, I either do or I don't, why though? Is it too much to ask that everything be "black and white?" There is no need to further complicate matters, just let them be, let me be. I strive daily to block all that is negative, yet there is always one crack in the frame that allows the shit to come pouring in and in doing so, tears once again at flesh that's oh so soft. It burns a little at first, and the blood that follows is horrifying, yet I allow it to continue. The scars are more visible today than that of yesterday. I often wonder if, and when, perhaps why and how much longer too. I just want absolution, I need that in my life today. I have no need to wander around aimlessly hoping and fearing what is to come. I'm 41 years old for fuck sake, how much longer must I wait? What is it that I am not providing for all to see that it is my time, finally it's my time. You're damn right I want. I want what all little girls since as far back in time as it goes, dream of. I want the Happily Ever After. I want the security, and the comfort of another. I deserve that much don't I? Why is it that I can't have what others' take for granted? Fuck!!! I'm rambling.

February 9, 2012

There are moments, seldom yet clear moments of clarity.  So crystal clear that I can almost reach towards the sky and take hold of.  What it is I am desperately trying to outstretch my arms towards, or hold in my hands is not quite clear, but there is something.  I see it.  I have touched it yet never held it close.  Why are so many things uncertain.  Why do I question everything that surrounds me?  Why? Why? Why?  I'm almost convinced that I hold the key to unlocking those answers, yet I somehow wonder....I wonder long and hard, perhaps too long and too hard.  I create images and circumstances in my own head, and GOD knows what happens when I release those thoughts...it's a whirlwind of chaos, and next thing ya know, all HELL is breaking loose and being set free.  I see it right in front of my very own eyes.  I can feel the pressure building, the doubts forming into these scenarios that I create, probably to pacify an angst that once was, and I just can't seem to let go of.  None of that matters, because the switch has been flipped to the on position and it's off to the races for my mind....This is going to be one hell of a fucking ride.