Friday, February 25, 2011
February 25, 2011
So here it is that I sit as I do on most weekdays, thoughts running amiss as usual trying to make sense of myself and my emotions, and to my amazement I realize that, "I have absolutely nothing to fear today", I am at complete peace with myself, 'today'. I am who I am supposed to be, and perhaps this is who GOD intended for me to be all along. I am outside of my so-called comfort zone, which I once thought a daunting place for all to be especially myself. The thought then occurred to me or perhaps just presented itself in the most pleasant of all emotions, a flood of energy rushed through my entire body and then nothing. I sat still for a moment or two, got to my feet, lit a smoke, and pondered what had just happened. This is the conclusion I have come to...I, Kelly, have just experienced letting go, letting go of fear, of myself as I once knew, I let go completely, I feel at ease, some peace, elation, I'm happy today. Is this feeling going to last? I don't know, but I can honestly say, I welcome this with arms outstretched, and will continue to do so, from this day forward. I may be struggling financially, and things may seem grim at times, but there are other's too just like me struggling daily, perhaps some more so than I. So today, I can say, "YAY", I'm happy to be me...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
February 24, 2011
It has taken me this long to gain the courage to confront myself with damages I have caused others'. Needless to say as we were growing up I was so full of rage and resentments and always took out all of my frustrations on two individuals who had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. Why? I have no explanations. I can only say, the torment that I have put you through, my actions were so evil I should have been put away. I cannot say "I'm sorry", because it doesn't change what I've done, or how I've felt all of these years holding all of this in.
My dearest Brother;
I owe you my life, in that, I feel there were many times that I could have taken yours, out of complete and utter anger and hatred for myself. I did and said so many things that I have carried with me for all of these years, and in doing so have caused myself alot of grief. I've tried everything to cover up these feelings, and none of them have helped, only masked the pain for short periods of time. I need you to know that, 'I', don't think I knew what I was doing, but I cannot be certain, and if it's any concelation, I am sorry I was so horrible and mean, and I only hope that you can forgive me. I have blamed EVERYONE, but myself for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong or right for that matter, and now I know that the only one responsible for my life is ME. I only pray that I can finally let go of this one minute part of me, let it go completely, because it is haunting. I sit up at nights', most nights and cry silently because I am so confused and lost, and lonely, and have hated myself for so f@#*ing long, it's taken me til' now to gather up the courage to tell you that I was not a good sister, and certainly didn't deserve you as a brother. I know this...I love you, I am so effin proud of you, I wouldn't exchange you for the world.
My Best-friend;
You have inspired me, whether you did so intentionally, or by blind faith, nonetheless inspired ME. I never imagined that we would someday be calling one another "best-friends", I hurled at the thought. How can my sister be my friend, she's my sister, we're not supposed to be friends. I was wrong. I love you and you have given me back my sight, figuratively speaking. Clear thoughts occassionally cloud my decisions, because I have lived in a fog for most of my life, whether intentionally or not, I was there. I've found myself, and I'm beginning to like who I am. Have I been this person all along? I don't know, but I really do like who I am becoming. We are so much alike in that, when you're going through moments or fits of rage and anger, I try to redirect you as I would myself, because I have feared all of these years that perhaps I am the reason for those fits. I don't believe I ever truly said to any of you that "I LOVE YOU", and meant it. I do love you, and I do mean it. A heartfelt love, one that causes tears to flow uncontrollably, pains in the stomache creep up, and my heart aches, that's the love I feel for you, and my brothers'.
My dearest Brother;
I owe you my life, in that, I feel there were many times that I could have taken yours, out of complete and utter anger and hatred for myself. I did and said so many things that I have carried with me for all of these years, and in doing so have caused myself alot of grief. I've tried everything to cover up these feelings, and none of them have helped, only masked the pain for short periods of time. I need you to know that, 'I', don't think I knew what I was doing, but I cannot be certain, and if it's any concelation, I am sorry I was so horrible and mean, and I only hope that you can forgive me. I have blamed EVERYONE, but myself for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong or right for that matter, and now I know that the only one responsible for my life is ME. I only pray that I can finally let go of this one minute part of me, let it go completely, because it is haunting. I sit up at nights', most nights and cry silently because I am so confused and lost, and lonely, and have hated myself for so f@#*ing long, it's taken me til' now to gather up the courage to tell you that I was not a good sister, and certainly didn't deserve you as a brother. I know this...I love you, I am so effin proud of you, I wouldn't exchange you for the world.
My Best-friend;
You have inspired me, whether you did so intentionally, or by blind faith, nonetheless inspired ME. I never imagined that we would someday be calling one another "best-friends", I hurled at the thought. How can my sister be my friend, she's my sister, we're not supposed to be friends. I was wrong. I love you and you have given me back my sight, figuratively speaking. Clear thoughts occassionally cloud my decisions, because I have lived in a fog for most of my life, whether intentionally or not, I was there. I've found myself, and I'm beginning to like who I am. Have I been this person all along? I don't know, but I really do like who I am becoming. We are so much alike in that, when you're going through moments or fits of rage and anger, I try to redirect you as I would myself, because I have feared all of these years that perhaps I am the reason for those fits. I don't believe I ever truly said to any of you that "I LOVE YOU", and meant it. I do love you, and I do mean it. A heartfelt love, one that causes tears to flow uncontrollably, pains in the stomache creep up, and my heart aches, that's the love I feel for you, and my brothers'.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
February 9, 2011
Sitting in solace always forces my mind to wander...in and out of this daze, this fog that I have single-handedly created on my own, without knowledge. I ponder thoughts of "happiness" as if I were a child once again, believing that my "prince charming" will someday soon show himself. HA! Not one morsel of criticism though has passed by me today of all days, feeling alone...I mean really, is this what I have succumbed to? Desperation in thoughts, and thoughts turning into words and phrases and perhaps eventually making some sense of all that is locked in my mind, my soul...my entire being depends on these moments of clarity. I find comfort in the eyes of others', in words spoken directly or indirectly, for whatever reason, I do. I have heard on many occasion that the "eyes are the windows to our soul", if by chance there lies the most minuscule amount of truth in those words, I await, because my soul is empty, and crying out, waiting for that hand to reach for mine, wanting to see myself in the eyes' of others.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
February 3,2011
"I brought myself a lot of unnecessary misery by thinking it was my responsibility to manage and direct other people's lives. I believed it was solely up to me to make everyone else happy and secure. So I continually placed everyone else's needs first until I didn't know who I was or what I needed for my own happiness and comfort. It's exhausting and insane to try to second-guess everyone. Not only that, it doesn't give me or anyone else credit for being able to think, feel, or act for himself."
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