January 21, 2011

Today of all days....I presume would be the best day....to start anew.  I believe in taking leaps of faith, only when all faith has not been lost.  I strive to be a better person, in it's entirety, although others' sit in fear while I begin to spread my wings, knowing full well that their time with me has subsided.  I am growing as an individual, and am able to think clearly, more so daily, and I'm discovering that 'YES' there are genuine men and women out there, that do indeed want nothing more than friendship in exchange for the exact same.  Some are more inspiring than others' and I look to them for advice whether directly or indirectly.  I was most certainly "HAPPY" last night, unbelievably so that it was most terrifying, because I was not at all aware that I still possessed that emotion.  Nothing particular was said nor done, just a glance while speaking amongst other's was all I needed, reassurance of sorts perhaps, in knowing that YES it is possible to feel these feelings almost always.  I take a deep breathe in, hold it, then release, and I am right where I need to be for this moment, and the next and so on.

January 13, 2011

     Does anyone other than myself realize the absolute anguish caused when one is let down? I'm not referring to being let down by a significant other (or whatever you call them) or 'love', for 'love' is one of the grandest of all facades. I am speaking personally let down, disgusted, wanting to spew vomit let down. I've brought most of this on myself, caused more pain and discomfort on my own and I have decided that I am moving on, I can not wait for those whom have NO direction, No motivation to find themselves, not now, not ever, not again in this life time. I am taking time for me, because I was once the one with no direction, no motivation. I will not be stagnated by the likes of any of you nor by the likes of the "old" me. I am aspiring to be a new "ME" and learning to love ME slowly. I'm freeing myself and I owe no one anything. Where were the bulk of you when I needed strength, when I lost faith in myself? I searched for someone and to no avail there wasn't a soul to be found, so what makes you think NOW is a good time to step in and offer your "services" or even contemplate the thought? Try this one on for size, "F@#* YOU!" That's all I've got for those of you who are of the least significance to me, my children and the rebuilding of my life.


     Emotional ups and downs at this point are unavoidable and still a very big part of my daily life, and my letting go, and of the experiencing of new. I am so enthused with anticipation of what is YET to come. I have my entire life ahead of me, that is if I continue to maintain a sane or almost sane way of thinking and living, with those that will "benefit" me, as opposed to my old ways of allowing others' to stagnate and drag me down. Perhaps I've allowed this for so long because I did in fact lose sight of what was most important, ME. I lost any respect I had, had and yet managed to function daily. Go figure, how did I or better yet how could I allow this to consume me? Rest assured; I will never allow for myself nor anyone else for that matter to cause me strife.

December 31, 2010

So the eve of party goers' and family gatherings begins.  I have none to share this with for they are scattered with their own, even my children are celebrating in ways I only knew how to.  This eve, this night will be spent with new found friends, and a new found freedom that I have chosen to create on my own.  Friends that "TRULY" understand exactly where I want to be.  Thank you all for being a part of this New Year's Eve celebration for me.  I am grateful.