August 23, 2010

I had the most wonderful of all weekends watching and observing my 14 year old daughter become one of God's children. She was indeed the most stunning and breathtaking vision I have ever seen, however; I felt as though I was losing her at the same time. Perhaps it's the way I have gone about behaving and interacting with my children that brings me to this feeling, nonetheless it was there, strong and heartwrenching to say the least, I made it through, held my head (or so I thought). It's amazing to actually visualize your youngest daughter amongst family and friends. She touches the lives of everyone she encounters and that makes my heart glow with gladness, not that I am taking full credit for the young woman she has become, because God knows I have not been positive role model at all (so I've been told time and time again) but I would like to be. I am looking forward to changing my ways as it's been extremely trying the past few weeks, emotions are up and down, mood swings are in full force, I feel as though I can't think straight most days let alone the minutes that drag into hours during these days. Why is it that I can't get my thoughts together as I have in the past, I ramble on about bullshit, and in doing so lose site of what is most important to me.

August 16, 2010

God works in mysterious ways and by no means' am I being cynical, his works of art are the most amazing pieces I have ever witnessed with my own eyes, and will continue to do so on a daily basis. I have been blinded by manipulation, in many ways, and today I have been given the gift of site. I will be utilizing my newly found vision to take in all that I possibly can, God willing. I will not be a prisoner to the darkness any longer, I will (when I am strong enough) spread my wings and take flight, only breaking to rest along the way. It's a glorious feeling knowing that I am bettering myself, for myself and by myself.

August 11, 2010

Sometimes while reading comments on my posts I realize that there are greater things in store for me, but I tend to put them off to the side for some unknown reason; however this one...touched my soul in it's entirety...I love you MOM!



Dear Friend,

How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I care about you.I saw you yesterday as you talked with your friend. I waited all day hoping you would want to talk with me too. I gave you a sunset to close your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. It hurt me-but I still love you because I am your friend.I saw you sleeping last night and longed to touch your brow so I spilled moonlight upon your face. Again I waited, wanting to rush down so we could talk, I have so many gifts for you! You woke and rushed off to work. My tears were in the rain. If you would only listen to me! I love you! I try to tell you in blue skies and in the quiet green grass. I whisper it in leaves on the trees and breathe it in colors of flowers, shout it to you in mountain streams, give the birds love songs to sing, I clothe you with warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you is DEEPER than the OCEAN, and BIGGER than the BIGGEST NEED in YOUR HEART! Ask me! Talk with me! Please don't forget me. I have so much to share with you!I won't hassle you any further. It is YOUR decision. I have CHOSEN YOU and I will wait -I love you.

Your friend,Jesus

August 9, 2010

So today GOD I presume is testing my ability to maintain my sanity, or is it satan trying to grab me and bring me down, no matter the reasoning behind all of the name calling and/or the belittling; I (YES I) can take no more. I have gone beyond the limitations that any one single human being can endure. I am not an asshole as I've been told, nor am I that self-centered, self-loathing, delusional, mental bitch that others' refer to me as. I am "KELLY" that's it, there are none other that I go by and if there are those of you who cannot pronounce my name sake then for by all means do me a favor, don't put forth the effort in trying to form the words that have or are going to slip past your tongues, because apparently if that's truly how I am perceived by other's than I am not worthy of your time, nor are you of mine. I am allowing myself this time during this day to release the tensions that have been built up, if it's taken to heart then so be it.

August 7, 2010

It's about time I realized that those who point fingers and pass judgment are actually not worth my time or energy, because if any of us remember correctly when you point one finger at any particular individual you do have three pointing back at you. Hmmm food for thought perhaps, take a look at the bigger picture here Kelly, what the f@#$ is really happening here?

August 4, 2010

Another hot and humid day to begin with let alone the stench of lying and manipulation in the air. Why is that, I can sense these qualities in others' yet they seem to walk around thinking and believing they are above GOD, not only in one aspect but in all, while most of us, when stepping into the water actually feel the earth beneath our feet and that's an awakening in itself, but others' seem to think that they can walk on that water, you know the type "holier than thou", I'm better than you, what a line of bullshit, I am so sick of judgemental people, I need a fresh start, a clean slate, just get up and go new beginning. It's coming and its coming soon. I am taking charge of me and only me (okay children too) and moving ahead, away from dark rooms filled with bitter hatred, and the smell of death, the death of the old me, it's all so overwhelming, and stagnating..

August 2, 2010

So this is the beginning of the end....I'm done pretending that all is well, I'm not well, my life is in shambles and I'm tired of living a lie...I cannot erase the past, I cannot forget what's been done, nor the mistakes I've made along the way. I can say this however; I have learned lessons that take some a lifetime. I have experienced much, and traveled many roads, not the straight and narrow ones' either, for some reason unknown to myself I always choose the roads that are in shambles, with overgrown rose bushes and the thorns are as thick as knives that cut the flesh and leave you to bleed a thousand times over.