August 17, 2015

After considerable self evaluation I have succumb to my inability to have any sort of "healthy relationship" whether it be intimate or platonic. I do not possess the ability to think logically or perhaps it seems that way. I have struggled for too many long years and no longer feel the desire to struggle. I will give in to the demons if they will back off for a short time.

August 11, 2015

I can spend hours upon days going over in my mind the things that I need to get done in order to move past the past however; when it comes right down to it I haven't the strength nor courage to follow through.  What the fuck is that all about?  If I'm as strong as some say why haven't I the ability to just let go like the rest of the fucking world does?  Why do I harbor shit and allow it to destroy me?  Go figure.WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED? WHY?

August 4, 2015

I just hope that I don’t lose my identity to the definition of the illness and that I will have the strength and character to do my best to control it and not let it control me. Stigma does really drain the life out of me!  I am physically and emotionally beat down today!

August 3, 2015

One would think that by now I would have these out of control emotions under some sort of "control" however; they are seemingly worse than ever.  I have often thought of begging for my life to be taken so that I can start over.  The anxiety is ever so overwhelming.  There is not one solitaire moment throughout the course of an entire day that I am not on the edge, waiting for the wind to blow softly or for that gentle push to throw me over.  What more is there to say or do?  I live my life daily in fear.  I cry so much that one would think I had no tears left to shed.  I wish more often than not to disappear. I am no longer capable of coping.

July28, 2015

Blog entry..... I pray GOD deems me worthy today. I cannot endure this life any longer!!!!

July 28, 2015

I wonder if you have ever seriously pondered the thought or the idea even of just throwing your hands up and giving up completely.  I feel like a car wreck in the worst possible way.  I can't control my emotions, I'm killing my own self slowly.  I think I want to die even, I can't be certain but I know the idea has been lingering in my head for some time now and I become so enraged some nights, sleepless nights that I am afraid to be by myself.  I don't need companionship, relationships, friendships none of them.  It was a mere dream of mine once upon a time and I have thrown all of those ideals out the fucking window along with the cigarette butts.  I am WORTHLESS!

July 27, 2015

The anxiety is absolutely debilitating.  I cannot find a way around it at this point.  I simply want to sit and cry myself into a permanent state of sleep.  I don't know how to cope with this anymore.  If G.O.D. is listening PLEASE help me get through this. PLEASE?!