November 29, 2018

Trapped in my own mind watching the world go by wondering if I will ever get off this rollercoaster!? I wonder if there re words to describe exactly how it is that I feel? There has to be more to me than this. Stereotyped, ridiculed,  shut down, when will this madness end? Do I have the strength to close the doors to hell and lock my own demons away for good or am I doomed to relive every detail of every evil moment? Is this my punishment, do i deserve this? My answer is, "YES", I do believe I deserve to live in my own warped and delusional mind while others move on and up. Ughhh

November 27, 2018

Anxiety, depression, PTSD, BIpolar disorder, BPD, etc. etc...what the fuck else can there possibly be? I am on the verge of an absolute collapse!

October3, 2018

I am so tired of feeling alone. My depression has a hold of me like none other and nothing seems to help. I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss and I don't have the emotional strength to pull myself out.

September 26, 2018

September 21, 2018

It's never a good feeling when you give your ALL and it is thrown in your face. When is enough, enough? Is there even such a thing as "enough", or will your ALL be taken for granted?  I thought in my 20's I needed to prove myself worthy of others', then again in my 30's, and now in my late 40's I find myself stooping to levels so low that I've lost sight of who I am and what I desire. Do I even have anything of myself left or did she just give up and leave? I've been told I need to value myself and all that I bring to relationships but what happens when what you valued no longer exists?! Am I just a shell of a person that once was? Have I lost all hope of attaining anything because all I know is nothing I want or enjoy?! I sit here today trying to recapture a moment in time that I may have been who I was intended to be and for the life of myself I cannot recollect a solitary thing. Nothing. Am I allowed a blank canvas? Do I deserve to be happy or better yet "content"? Have I wronged so many for so long that this is what I have become? A lifeless, lonely, scared individual!! Always standing in line waiting for my number to be called and guess what?, it never has been nor never will be. What am I even doing here?

September 11, 2018

I no longer know who I am. I used to think I did but that has gone by the wayside. I don't know what I want to do or how to go about doing it. I lost sight of myself when I started caretaking for others'! Wh the F#$* am I anymore?

A text from my daughter!

Mom,

With everything going on with Dylan and his mom, it makes my heart hurt so much thinking about that day I almost lost you. That will always be the scariest moment of my life. I love you mommy, more than you can ever know, I love you so much I'd go to the ends of the world for you and back, I'm sorry for all of the times we've fought, but I hope you know now that I was stubborn and would never back down because I love you and I just wanted you to love me and Preston and lexi back as much as we did you !

Looking back, I thought those dark times would never end and that you would despise me forever, but I can shed tears of happiness because you did it, you are strong enough to be sober, to be who you are, to receive the help you needed and ask for more. A little over a year ago I was at work trying to fight back the tears because I was scared of going to a home with the news that my mom died.. and today I look forward to every time I see you, I see you in my future for so long, im no longer afraid of losing you or the what I'd. You are the true definition of Lotus Flowers, perseverance, strength, faith.. courage and love. Thank you for fighting mommy.. I love you and I ALWAYS believed in you ! 💕💛💛💛💛

August 26, 2018

Hi, I'm Kelly, and I am an alcoholic! I have needed to post this for 30+ years
 I am and always will be an alcoholic whether abstaining or recovering from this horrific disease...I am an alcoholic.

August 14, 2018

And so the fog has been lowered and all thoughts are of home!

January 26, 2018

The fits of rage are still there and they are becoming extremely debilitating. I thought that somehow I had managed to keep them under wraps however for some unseemingly known reason I am still experiencing them.

January 19, 2018

Hypothyroidism, is it really the root of all evils? Countless diagnosis, cocktails of medication, could this possibly be the answer I've been looking for?

January 15, 2018

Aimlessly wandering with no direction in tow.

January 13, 2018

Day in and day out I cater to other's and most days it goes unnoticed. I'm trapped like a rodent in a snare waiting for death to finally arrive. I wish I could go home but where is home?

January 12, 2018

This dreary, rainy weather is nothing short of debilitating, not only is it miserable outside but my emotional well-being is feeling downright miserable! I'm trapped. I'm trapped, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it right now! When will this circle of misery find the straight and narrow path?

January 8, 2018

Monday Monday! Beginning of another lonely week!

January 6, 2018

Insomnia is going to be my demise.

January 5, 2018

So the new year has come along and I'm still trapped in the abyss. When will I find the strength to climb out and Rise Above the darkness that I have become so accustomed to? I'm tired, and most days I am lonely.