March 22, 2016

It has been quite some time since my last post and I feel the necessity to express myself to those of you who feel an overwhelming urge to indulge.  "Open mouth, insert foot" so the cliche states, well someone out there decided to take it upon themselves and send me a message in this forum stating that MY children have not been raised accordingly and that I am burdensome..."Hear Ye, Hear Ye', let me tell you this to whomever it was..."MY children have been raised by myself for the past 24 years and they have moral core values, they have exceeded my expectations and continue to do good not only for themselves but for the better of the communities...bite your tongue and keep your simple-minded thoughts to yourself.  Thank you!

February 1, 2016

I wonder, I simply wonder, I often ponder for hours perhaps days, weeks, months even years, if I am just a magnet for misfortune? Am I conditioned to spend my life chasing after “the one,” and more often than not, the harder I search for that person the more they simply never show up — or I mistake people for the one when they should be “one of.”

Dead Flowers....

She saves the dead flowers upon her counter top.
Reluctant to erase the memories of the feeling they provided when they were in bloom.
Colors as bright as the eccentric artist that brought them to her could be... When he wanted to.
Now as hard as the memories she prefers to recall of him. It makes it easier to move on.
Distractions come in small doses. A strangers smile, a held open door, the feeling of possibility and new.
But it's not enough. She's artistic and believes in magic. Although she does her best to convince herself it exists in others. It doesn't. Loneliness and a feeling of longing for a connection creep up at night. It forces her to try harder with what's in reach.
A hand held, a feeling of warm relief. It slips away, as time does, but ageless is love.
They meet again, confined to the beds that their respective families have designated them to.
They are within reach and hold hands, getting that warm relief... only this time it's real. They are at the end of their lives and not a moment has passed. They look at each other and smile, as they always have. Not a day has gone by.

The scars from a love that hurt when they were new
Have made the wounds that caused them stronger than glue.
A tattooed reminder invisible within.
Have covered the scars faded on the skin.

January 12, 2016

Absolute devastation, when you once again realize you have been played the fucking fool.  I guess some of us will simply NEVER learn! I had hope (minuscule as it was) hope nonetheless that perhaps this would have been the year of reckoning for me.  I was most certainly mistaken. 

October 20, 2015

I often wonder if anyone else would rather be someone other than themselves?  Would I have more of an appreciation for who I am, the struggles I face daily, the turmoil that I encounter constantly?  Would I have a better understanding looking in from the outside knowing what I have experienced in a form foreign to me?  I wonder if I would be more apt for changing myself if I were able to see how I functioned from day to day?  I just wonder....what does it truly mean to be sick and tired of being sick and tired?  What if I am so sick and tired I just lie down and die?  What if that's all it truly means?  So many what if's to be had that I am almost clueless.  The conductor in my head is screaming full steam ahead and I'm not prepared for the obscene amount of thoughts that are about to be unloaded when this train pulls into it's final destination.  Give me strength because I haven't any left.  I sit here isolated not only from society but from myself as well, if one can make any sense of that.  Oddly enough I still sit here, somber and silent.

September 22, 2015

The fear that resides within is insurmountably intense and debilitating.

September 15, 2015

I have had enough. I am ready to meet whomever MY maker is. Please get me the fuck out of here!!!!_