November 2, 2022

Here it is...

Yes, I am addicted to this pain inside me; as it eats through my skin like acid, it defines me. It is both ethereal, and extremely mighty. And it is not, to be feared. I have spent most of my time, just soaking in its fullness, for years upon years, upon years. Some might call it a waste of time; just stuck in the past; just barely getting by. But it is by this very darkness, that I have learned to see the light. It is where I’ve cultivated the bones of my strength. And I’ll be damned, if it’s not a fair fight. I’ve been in a war, against only myself. This blood; this flesh; this skin that I wear. It is mine, and it is bruised and marred; with the sins of others, and these battle scars. I will not give up my darkness. For it is all that I know how to be. Both joy and peace, don’t sit well with me. Happiness rarely comes my way. And whenever it does, it doesn’t choose to stay. So I’ll just sit here, alone with my pain. How I long to just cradle, and hold it so close. For when I was small, and had no voice at all, it was darkness, who loved me the most.”

-Little girl speak

March 22, 2022

 Is there anyone else out there that wants to die? I mean truly has had enough of this life and has no fight left in them wanting to die. I've gone over this for many years in my mind and have concluded that I am the problem! I know longer have the desire to walk this miserable planet! I am giving up! Giving up on myself, my kids, what family is left and all others who read this. I have no more tears to shed, I'm absolutely miserable in my own skin and try daily to cut it off with no success that is, obviously. Psychiatrists, therapists haven't helped thus far and I've been through many of them. Cocktails of prescriptions one after another and nothing seems to take the edge off, ever. I'm always on high alert, always waiting for the next shoe to drop and so I've heard this is no way to live. There's nothing more for me to do but give up. Fuck yes, I'm scared, daily.

October 26, 2021

 I've been called many things throughout my life and have held onto resentment like it was my own heartbeat, however to live a life that is nothing short of a lie is more than I can bare! I have endured the wrath of some pretty evil individuals, some of them are now dead and gone and I feel no guilt in saying that I wished I were the one who took their life, unfortunately it was not and I am resentful towards that as well. I remember everything, from the miniscule gestures that seem genuine at the time but turn into me being and acting ungrateful when in fact those gestures turn towards you. I need to start building a life for myself and myself alone.  The lies and deceitful ways of those I have trusted is too much for me to stand idly by and tolerate any longer. I'm tired of being blamed for all that goes wrong, I'm tired of the finger being pointed in my direction solely. Take some responsibility for your part as well, for once! Everything is always one sided and if it isn't your way its no way. Well fuck this shit. I'm not that girl anymore who can be bullied into believing she is alone responsible for the way things have turned out. I just can't take anymore, its as simple as that. I need trust and true love, not love when its convenient. I need compassion, and understanding, spontaneity and day trips doing things I also enjoy. I need hands on experiences not only care taking such as I've become accustomed to. 

October 8, 2021

 

October 1, 2021

 Every day it's a little harder to get myself moving, and by moving I mean...get out of bed, get dressed and face the day. Most days I would just like to disappear but then I remember I have three grown children who still call or message occasionally and I'd hate myself even more if they were to learn from someone else that I simply gave up. I fight this battle daily, giving up that is. Some days nothing seems worth it, every day is a struggle more so than the day before. I try to find my worth in anything, but to no avail I come up empty handed. I see my reflection and wonder who that is staring back at me. The struggle is REAL!

September 26, 2021

 Today is just like any other day. 😖 No one places any value on belongings not belonging to themselves yet destroy everything that has meaning to a certain individual. How about I start destroying everything in my own path. Sounds like the perfect plan. I'm simply sick and tired of being sick and tired that I'm sick and tired.

September17, 2021

 Today is like every other day. I'm sick and tired of trying to wiggle my way in, I am that awkward puzzle piece that just doesn't fit anywhere. 

September, 15, 2021

 The fear is real.  No I'm not imagining it, I become paralyzed. I can't breathe, can't move, can't seem to accomplish the smallest of tasks. I know I need to get out of this zone but how!? I have errands to run yet the thought cripples me so I will put it off for another tomorrow in hopes that I will gain some stability within and it will overcome the fear.

August 19, 2021

 Today has been one hellish event after another. Nothing I do or say seems right. So when desperate times call for desperate measures, chop your hair off like nothing else matters and be done with it. That's exactly what I did. A real chop job I might add.

August 15, 2021

 Insomnia strikes once again! I can't seem to sleep more than 2 hours. WTF gives?! I've been up all night cleaning, doing what little laundry I've managed to collect, broke my damn mop head and a nail, at the same time. My mind won't shut down for longer than two hours and its wreaking havoc on me emotionally. Its 2 AM and all I can seem to do is watch the clock. With sleep deprivation comes resentments, anger and even blocks of hatred. 

August 13, 2021

 What can go wrong ...WILL GO WRONG. I stand by those words 110% all of the time. I'm sick and tired of being spoken to like a fucking child, I'm sick and tired of being spoken over. I'm simply sick and fucking tired. 

August 12, 2021

 Everything and I mean EVERYTHING has to be an argument. your simply never satisfied with the fact that I may just very well be right occasionally. What the fuck gives?! Sleepless nights anger the fuck out of me because my mind wonders to places it should no longer visit.

August 6, 2021

 Have you ever felt so disrespected, disregarded as a fucking human that all you can see is blood red!? I had to remove myself physically because the fury that is building may result in a physical altercation and I know what follows. 

July 31, 2010

 I don't think I have been more resentful than I am at this very moment. I could throw rocks at people and feel no remorse. I'm sick and tired and being taken advantage of daily, then being told to relax or calm down. How about you go fuck yourself and then some. I genuinely hate people and that is a fact.

July 27, 2021

 I will not change for anyone no matter the circumstance!

July 26, 2021

 Still feeling extremely resentful and I just can't seem to escape this overwhelming feeling. It is exhausting!!!! What else is exhausting is trying to fit into someone's life when they simply can't seem to make room. I just now realized that I am the problem. I'm the misery that loves company. Years of abuse has brought me here today. 

July 24, 2021

 Have you ever been so frustrated with the way you allowed your life to turn out that you resent everyone and everything even the little things you should be grateful for? That is exactly where I'm at today. Resentful, and full of anger; so much anger that I have to isolate myself. I've been through hell and most likely created someone else's hell, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit idly by and watch from the sidelines any longer.  

July 22, 2021

 Today has been a much better day than many days before. I wake at 2:45am daily and don't stop until I collapse, literally. I was able to keep my anger at bay for the most part although there were moments when I felt the need to throw rocks and no I don't throw rocks at glass houses! Frustration and disappointment set in at the most inopportune times and I have no control over when, where and/or how they will play out. 

July 20, 2021

 I've taken all I can take. Its time to move on. Move up, move forward, just move.

July 19, 2021

 The worst feeling in the world is not being able to express your feelings without a finger being pointed in your face telling you that your the problem and its all you. I forget that everyone else is perfect or so they think they are. I will knock you off your metaphorical pedestool! Get over your damn self and take responsibility for your own fucking actions instead of blaming me for your rigid thinking.