Wednesday, November 2, 2022

November 2, 2022

Here it is...


Yes, I am addicted to this pain inside me; as it eats through my skin like acid, it defines me. It is both ethereal, and extremely mighty. And it is not, to be feared. I have spent most of my time, just soaking in its fullness, for years upon years, upon years. Some might call it a waste of time; just stuck in the past; just barely getting by. But it is by this very darkness, that I have learned to see the light. It is where I’ve cultivated the bones of my strength. And I’ll be damned, if it’s not a fair fight. I’ve been in a war, against only myself. This blood; this flesh; this skin that I wear. It is mine, and it is bruised and marred; with the sins of others, and these battle scars. I will not give up my darkness. For it is all that I know how to be. Both joy and peace, don’t sit well with me. Happiness rarely comes my way. And whenever it does, it doesn’t choose to stay. So I’ll just sit here, alone with my pain. How I long to just cradle, and hold it so close. For when I was small, and had no voice at all, it was darkness, who loved me the most.”

-Little girl speak

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

March 22, 2022

 Is there anyone else out there that wants to die? I mean truly has had enough of this life and has no fight left in them wanting to die. I've gone over this for many years in my mind and have concluded that I am the problem! I know longer have the desire to walk this miserable planet! I am giving up! Giving up on myself, my kids, what family is left and all others who read this. I have no more tears to shed, I'm absolutely miserable in my own skin and try daily to cut it off with no success that is, obviously. Psychiatrists, therapists haven't helped thus far and I've been through many of them. Cocktails of prescriptions one after another and nothing seems to take the edge off, ever. I'm always on high alert, always waiting for the next shoe to drop and so I've heard this is no way to live. There's nothing more for me to do but give up. Fuck yes, I'm scared, daily.