October 26, 2021

 I've been called many things throughout my life and have held onto resentment like it was my own heartbeat, however to live a life that is nothing short of a lie is more than I can bare! I have endured the wrath of some pretty evil individuals, some of them are now dead and gone and I feel no guilt in saying that I wished I were the one who took their life, unfortunately it was not and I am resentful towards that as well. I remember everything, from the miniscule gestures that seem genuine at the time but turn into me being and acting ungrateful when in fact those gestures turn towards you. I need to start building a life for myself and myself alone.  The lies and deceitful ways of those I have trusted is too much for me to stand idly by and tolerate any longer. I'm tired of being blamed for all that goes wrong, I'm tired of the finger being pointed in my direction solely. Take some responsibility for your part as well, for once! Everything is always one sided and if it isn't your way its no way. Well fuck this shit. I'm not that girl anymore who can be bullied into believing she is alone responsible for the way things have turned out. I just can't take anymore, its as simple as that. I need trust and true love, not love when its convenient. I need compassion, and understanding, spontaneity and day trips doing things I also enjoy. I need hands on experiences not only care taking such as I've become accustomed to. 

October 8, 2021

 

October 1, 2021

 Every day it's a little harder to get myself moving, and by moving I mean...get out of bed, get dressed and face the day. Most days I would just like to disappear but then I remember I have three grown children who still call or message occasionally and I'd hate myself even more if they were to learn from someone else that I simply gave up. I fight this battle daily, giving up that is. Some days nothing seems worth it, every day is a struggle more so than the day before. I try to find my worth in anything, but to no avail I come up empty handed. I see my reflection and wonder who that is staring back at me. The struggle is REAL!