I'm not sure where to begin. I have lost all hope at this point in time. I have ruined many relationships because of my black out rage, I become violent, not only towards others but myself as well. I have attempted suicide, attempted because I am too much of a coward to follow through; with anything. Yesterday I lost myself in a fit of rage and have no understanding as to why I became angry in the first place. I can't be certain however I believe my time here has come to an end. I'm terrified. I don't know who I am any longer. I feel alone and worthless even though I am told otherwise. I am that storm you take cover from. I come in and destroy countless lives and wreak havoc when the only battle I am fighting resides within. I am in pain, not physical yet emotional turmoil with myself and myself alone. I cannot escape it. It lies stagnant for a few days, weeks perhaps even months then some thing triggers an emotion I can't explain and all hell breaks loose. I can't live like this any longer and don't expect others' too either. I don't place blame on anyone but myself. It's I who is trapped in a mind and body I no longer recognize and with each passing day I become more and more unfamiliar with my own self. I see no future, I only live in the past. I want so badly to move forward. I have tried countless times and have failed with each attempt. That alone angers me. I isolate myself from family, friends etc...I judge others so I don't feel so badly about myself not taking into consideration how I cause others' to feel. I am self centered. I am delusional and my sense of self is warped as I have been told time and time again
How do I fix all the wrongs I have done? How do I become an indivual who is a productive member of society? How? Where do I go from here. The hole I have dug has no lining and the sides are caving in on me. It's dark and lonely here in my head. I am not worthy of love.
