It's been a while and have been feeling somewhat lost again. I thought I had finally found a place where I fit in, where I belonged, I was mistaken
It has been brought to my attention that I have the most disgusting mouth of anyone and that I am once again living in my very own warped, delusional world. How is this even a possibility when ALL that I do revolves around others? I have been sitting in absolute silence the entire day trying for the life of me to pinpoint one selfish act. Maybe it was the drinking, the drugs? Is that selfish? Wanting to escape thoughts that circle for days wreaking havoc in a mind already filled of emotional trainwrecks that seem neverending? That's selfish? I caretake so much that I cant remember where it is I even begin! I wish with all my might that I was merely living in someone else's dream and my reality is nonexistent. Maybe I sound childish and perhaps all of this is nothing more than years of temper tantrums revealing themselves through words? I suppose after considerable deliberations within the confines of my own warped, delusional mind, I am the most selfish, disgustingly miserable individual I have ever known. After all I have no friends, because no one wants me around, I have nothing positive to bring to any one table let alone my own, which by the way goes unset daily. Forget the table, my life is a mess. I have single handedly, once again ruined everything. I cant turn back the hands of time, I can't take back words that have already been spoken, i just can't seem to get anything right, NOT EVER! What's the point in trying? The wall that surrounds me is impenetrable and I just don't have any fight left. So you all win, you were ALL right! I am as worthless as I have always imagined. I just wish I understood why I do and say, act and react, love and hate all at the same time. I never seem to relax completely. I am always tense and on guard, as if I have antennas/feelers and they work overtime seeking out the darkest crevaces ever known to man kind in hope's that the abyss I delve into will be awaiting.my arrival once again. When will this fucking madness end?
