December 3, 2019

Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering. ” – Marsha Linehan.

November 26, 2019

I wish I had the balls to end my own life. Rid everyone associated with me of my misery. I have no place to truly call home. Every day I live in fear and it's draining to say the least. Maybe a few pills, or a few too many drinks would do the trick. Who am I kidding. I feel guilty daily for having these thoughts and when I express myself to anyone they tell me I'm selfish.  How is it that I am selfish. I have given my all to everyone at any cost and have been beaten both emotionally and physically. Those scars don't fade with time. There is always something lurking around each and every corner to remind me I am worthless

November, 22, 2019

When you find yourself living someone else's life, assuming an identity that is not your own, neglecting yourself and forgetting who you once were, it's time!  Time for what? I haven't a clue. I can say with certainty however; it's time. 

October 23,2019

The RAGE is surreal, I could beat the living shit out of someone and feel absolutely no remorse whatsoever. Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists all suck ass. Stop diagnosing me with your text book knowledge. Walk in someone elses shoes, if they have any, and then explain to me why I hate so fiercely.

October 18, 2019

Fuck you ALL. You have caused and created more damage to my psych and self esteem than any one human could imagine. The constant disregard for my feelings is quite obvious, you care about no one other than yourselves. So Fuck you!

October 11, 2019

I have finally sunk to a new low. Apologizing for myself, my physical self, my mental self, my emotional self, my old self, and even a new self. I AM SORRY!!

September 19, 2019

I just, simply cannot! No more. I am exhausted. I am waiting...waiting to live or perhaps I am merely waiting to die. I just can't any longer.

September 13, 2019

Friday the 13th?? I delve into this shit. Black holes, etc...etc...I am the living abyss
 Stay far away, do not trust me with your demons because I WILL use them against you. Just realized I am literally a worthless, unspoken piece of fucking crap, perhaps I am the one stuck on the bottom of your shoe might wanna check whileit's still fresh shit, because this rigid thinking, delusional, warped sense of self thinking almost 50 year old has had enough. Fuck me!

August 26, 2019

I just realized that without my children, I have no identity. They were my reasons for living and now they're all on their own and I am still here, struggling with who I am

July 17, 2019

I'm not sure where to begin. I have lost all hope at this point in time. I have ruined many relationships because of my black out rage, I become violent, not only towards others but myself as well. I have attempted suicide, attempted because I am too much of a coward to follow through; with anything. Yesterday I lost myself in a fit of rage and have no understanding as to why I became angry in the first place.  I can't be certain however I believe my time here has come to an end. I'm terrified. I don't know who I am any longer. I feel alone and worthless even though I am told otherwise. I am that storm you take cover from. I come in and destroy countless lives and wreak havoc when the only battle I am fighting resides within. I am in pain, not physical yet emotional turmoil with myself and myself alone. I cannot escape it. It lies stagnant for a few days, weeks perhaps even months then some thing triggers an emotion I can't explain and all hell breaks loose. I can't live like this any longer and don't expect others' too either. I don't place blame on anyone but myself. It's I who is trapped in a mind and body I no longer recognize and with each passing day I become more and more unfamiliar with my own self.  I see no future, I only live in the past. I want so badly to move forward. I have tried countless times and have failed with each attempt. That alone angers me. I isolate myself from family, friends etc...I judge others so I don't feel so badly about myself not taking into consideration how I cause others' to feel. I am self centered. I am delusional and my sense of self is warped as I have been told time and time again
 How do I fix all the wrongs I have done? How do I become an indivual who is a productive member of society? How? Where do I go from here. The hole I have dug has no lining and the sides are caving in on me. It's dark and lonely here in my head. I am not worthy of love.

June 6, 2019

May 17, 2019

I wish I understood myself!

May 4, 2019

Feeling invisible today as every other day!  Only when I serve a purpose, whatever that purpose is, am I acknowledged.

May 3, 2019

How do I control myself at this point? I am so fucking lonely all day, every day. I bust my ass making certain to get my ass out of bed to make coffee, lunch and even add notes almost daily as a reminder, etc..and it doesn't end there, I prepare meals, do laundry (in its entirety) lawn maintenance,  gardening, dog Walker, cat caretaker, I feed birds, clean cages, hatch things I would rather throw at a fucking brick wall, but I do ALL of these things in hope's that one day you will see me. You never do, you NEVER will. You will however; always nitpick and criticize,  never once have you bought me a flower or left a note for no reason. I do my best to make myself seem somewhat attractive on the outside but inside I am ugly. Full of hatred and anger with no direction. You will NEVER see me.  Why try?

April 18, 2019

Just an unworthy ugly duckling just trying to fit into a world filled with swans!

April 5, 2019

Ever feel like tearing your own flesh from your body and screaming on the top of your lungs?? I have! I do, daily.

March 20, 2019

Feeling hopeless!

February 1, 2019

It's been a while and have been feeling somewhat lost again. I thought I had finally found a place where I fit in, where I belonged, I was mistaken
 It has been brought to my attention that I have the most disgusting mouth of anyone and that I am once again living in my very own warped, delusional world. How is this even a possibility when ALL that I do revolves around others? I have been sitting in absolute silence the entire day trying for the life of me to pinpoint one selfish act. Maybe it was the drinking, the drugs? Is that selfish? Wanting to escape thoughts that circle for days wreaking havoc in a mind already filled of emotional trainwrecks that seem neverending? That's selfish? I caretake so much that I cant remember where it is I even begin! I wish with all my might that I was merely living in someone else's dream and my reality is nonexistent. Maybe I sound childish and perhaps all of this is nothing more than years of temper tantrums revealing themselves through words? I suppose after considerable deliberations within the confines of my own warped, delusional mind, I am the most selfish, disgustingly miserable individual I have ever known. After all I have no friends, because no one wants me around, I have nothing positive to bring to any one table let alone my own, which by the way goes unset daily. Forget the table, my life is a mess. I have single handedly, once again ruined everything. I cant turn back the hands of time, I can't take back words that have already been spoken, i just can't seem to get anything right, NOT EVER! What's the point in trying? The wall that surrounds me is impenetrable and I just don't have any fight left. So you all win, you were ALL right! I am as worthless as I have always imagined.  I just wish I understood why I do and say, act and react, love and hate all at the same time. I never seem to relax completely. I am always tense and on guard,  as if I have antennas/feelers and they work overtime seeking out the darkest crevaces ever known to man kind in hope's that the abyss I delve into will be awaiting.my arrival once again. When will this fucking madness end?