September 26, 2018

September 21, 2018

It's never a good feeling when you give your ALL and it is thrown in your face. When is enough, enough? Is there even such a thing as "enough", or will your ALL be taken for granted?  I thought in my 20's I needed to prove myself worthy of others', then again in my 30's, and now in my late 40's I find myself stooping to levels so low that I've lost sight of who I am and what I desire. Do I even have anything of myself left or did she just give up and leave? I've been told I need to value myself and all that I bring to relationships but what happens when what you valued no longer exists?! Am I just a shell of a person that once was? Have I lost all hope of attaining anything because all I know is nothing I want or enjoy?! I sit here today trying to recapture a moment in time that I may have been who I was intended to be and for the life of myself I cannot recollect a solitary thing. Nothing. Am I allowed a blank canvas? Do I deserve to be happy or better yet "content"? Have I wronged so many for so long that this is what I have become? A lifeless, lonely, scared individual!! Always standing in line waiting for my number to be called and guess what?, it never has been nor never will be. What am I even doing here?

September 11, 2018

I no longer know who I am. I used to think I did but that has gone by the wayside. I don't know what I want to do or how to go about doing it. I lost sight of myself when I started caretaking for others'! Wh the F#$* am I anymore?