July 18, 2104

It has been quite some time since my last entry and the guilt that follows with the absence of a clear mind is overwhelming. My children are growing up before my very eyes and I feel that I have neglected each one of their needs. I work my ass off to provide yet it never seems enough. I struggle daily with my own sanity and my ability to stay sober, if not for myself but for them. My youngest daughter is about to compete for Miss Teen International 2015 in Florida next week and the fear I feel inside is preventing me from feeling elated that she has overcome so much in such a short period of time. My oldest is an amazing young woman, beautiful beyond my wildest dreams, although we butt heads more often than not she is still a wonderful young woman. My son who turned 16 this year will be entering his Junior year of high school come September and then the following he graduates and heads off to the Marine Corps. I am saddened by all that is taking place with the three of them yet knowing I have raised them solely on my own gives me such satisfaction. I guess what I am rambling on about is the fact that soon I will have that empty nest I hear others' talking so freely about and it scares the shit out of me. I'm so afraid to be alone, yet I know that it is inevitable.