April 18, 2012

With Spring in full force and the scent of fresh grass, leaves springing up everywhere, flowers unearthing themselves, I thought to myself, why not some personal SPRING CLEANING? I am on a mission here to rid my head and my heart (what's left of it) of cobwebs that have been hanging around taking up space that could otherwise be used for more productive matters. I need to reorganize my thoughts and put things into perspective in a matter of importance. What is important to me? My children are my life, I eat, sleep, and breathe them. Maybe not so much anymore but it's nice to be needed, and I know that they need me, whether we argue, fuss and/or fight. On the other hand the feeling that I'm being taken advantage of isn't so welcoming, it's frustrating to say the least. I'm not saying that my children take advantage of me, but they sure know how to manipulate. Hmmm. Some food for thought. I'm well aware of these things, perhaps too much so. I'm creating a heaping pile of "CRAP" to burn, and rid myself of once and for all. It's been a long road, and I know the end is no where in sight, so I'll change my shoes right here, right now, and continue traveling, alone if I must.  Loniless is another obstacle I need to throw in that pile of "to burn" things, it consumes me on a daily basis.  I've been tempted to throw everything away in order to pacify an urge, yet haven't succumbed to it's cries.  I have some strength left, perhaps enough to carry me through the rest of this life and a little into the next, but I don't want to waste another drop of what's left on those that feel I'm not worthy enough.  After all, I am me, there is none other like me, I AM UNIQUE, I know this for a fact.  I've searched for another like me and have failed graciously.  I will not settle for less than what I believe I deserve, I will not be hushed, pushed to the side ever again.  I can stand tall, perhaps a little tilted at times, depending on the load I've been given, but tall nonetheless and face these things head on as I've been struggling to do lately.  It's not an easy task, letting go that is.  Determination is key, and yes there are days, more often than not, that I feel like screaming "GO F@#* YOURSELVES", or "I GIVE UP!!!", but I haven't yet surprisingly enough.  I have a need to feel needed, and wanted, I like being reassured that things are okay, even if they aren't perfect, okay is still okay with me.  I don't want a perfect relationship, I want a relationship that's worthwhile.  I would love to feel that someone would stand up and fight for me, if I hadn't a drop of strength left to fend for myself.  An inner sense of peace and pure happiness I strive for, still working on that one.  It's a killer.  Maybe I want for too much, but what I want has nothing to do with material things, but emotional, and physical.  A sense of security would be nice.  Leaning on someone other than myself for a shoulder to cry on would be especially nice.  I'll get there!  Sooner or later I will.  8-3-1

April 5, 2012

It's a whirlwind of emotions in a bottle. The cork had been securely in place for most of my life, causing me complete and utter misery, at mine and others' expenses. Today! YES TODAY!!! I am starting fresh, focusing on the positive in every situation (or at least putting forth extreme effort) in hopes that my happiness is only a day away. I know that it is going to take work, work and much more work, and I am willing to trudge forward today, because days that have past, even months have not been so pleasurable. I am extremely hopeful that with my eyes wide open that I will prevail, and not live another moment in the shadows of the past nor others! I deserve to dance in the rain and sparkle in the sunlight. I'm ready!!!!