October 4, 2010

There is an incredible feeling of self loathing coming over me today as in the days prior, for weeks I sit and stew every time this year it all consumes me completely.  Not allowing myself the ability to let go of my past is without hesitation killing me, perhaps not physically but emotionally and spiritually.  I push everyone to include my ownself away, I don't recall days where I have felt genuine happiness, and knowing that it is attainable I can't seem to grasp reality and move forward.  I visited "you" the other day and I felt a heart warming sense of relief upon my departure, however empty and lonely I feel now is my own doing I presume, it shouldn't be this way but yet it is still.  I'm not certain if I know how to let go or where to begin, I don't like who I have become and yet knowingly continue to bathe in this pitty port so to speak.  I do not know for how long I have been here or how much longer I am able to remain, I know only this...get the FUCK out of my head and leave me the HELL alone.