November 2, 2022

Here it is...

Yes, I am addicted to this pain inside me; as it eats through my skin like acid, it defines me. It is both ethereal, and extremely mighty. And it is not, to be feared. I have spent most of my time, just soaking in its fullness, for years upon years, upon years. Some might call it a waste of time; just stuck in the past; just barely getting by. But it is by this very darkness, that I have learned to see the light. It is where I’ve cultivated the bones of my strength. And I’ll be damned, if it’s not a fair fight. I’ve been in a war, against only myself. This blood; this flesh; this skin that I wear. It is mine, and it is bruised and marred; with the sins of others, and these battle scars. I will not give up my darkness. For it is all that I know how to be. Both joy and peace, don’t sit well with me. Happiness rarely comes my way. And whenever it does, it doesn’t choose to stay. So I’ll just sit here, alone with my pain. How I long to just cradle, and hold it so close. For when I was small, and had no voice at all, it was darkness, who loved me the most.”

-Little girl speak

March 22, 2022

 Is there anyone else out there that wants to die? I mean truly has had enough of this life and has no fight left in them wanting to die. I've gone over this for many years in my mind and have concluded that I am the problem! I know longer have the desire to walk this miserable planet! I am giving up! Giving up on myself, my kids, what family is left and all others who read this. I have no more tears to shed, I'm absolutely miserable in my own skin and try daily to cut it off with no success that is, obviously. Psychiatrists, therapists haven't helped thus far and I've been through many of them. Cocktails of prescriptions one after another and nothing seems to take the edge off, ever. I'm always on high alert, always waiting for the next shoe to drop and so I've heard this is no way to live. There's nothing more for me to do but give up. Fuck yes, I'm scared, daily.

October 26, 2021

 I've been called many things throughout my life and have held onto resentment like it was my own heartbeat, however to live a life that is nothing short of a lie is more than I can bare! I have endured the wrath of some pretty evil individuals, some of them are now dead and gone and I feel no guilt in saying that I wished I were the one who took their life, unfortunately it was not and I am resentful towards that as well. I remember everything, from the miniscule gestures that seem genuine at the time but turn into me being and acting ungrateful when in fact those gestures turn towards you. I need to start building a life for myself and myself alone.  The lies and deceitful ways of those I have trusted is too much for me to stand idly by and tolerate any longer. I'm tired of being blamed for all that goes wrong, I'm tired of the finger being pointed in my direction solely. Take some responsibility for your part as well, for once! Everything is always one sided and if it isn't your way its no way. Well fuck this shit. I'm not that girl anymore who can be bullied into believing she is alone responsible for the way things have turned out. I just can't take anymore, its as simple as that. I need trust and true love, not love when its convenient. I need compassion, and understanding, spontaneity and day trips doing things I also enjoy. I need hands on experiences not only care taking such as I've become accustomed to. 

October 8, 2021

 

October 1, 2021

 Every day it's a little harder to get myself moving, and by moving I mean...get out of bed, get dressed and face the day. Most days I would just like to disappear but then I remember I have three grown children who still call or message occasionally and I'd hate myself even more if they were to learn from someone else that I simply gave up. I fight this battle daily, giving up that is. Some days nothing seems worth it, every day is a struggle more so than the day before. I try to find my worth in anything, but to no avail I come up empty handed. I see my reflection and wonder who that is staring back at me. The struggle is REAL!

September 26, 2021

 Today is just like any other day. 😖 No one places any value on belongings not belonging to themselves yet destroy everything that has meaning to a certain individual. How about I start destroying everything in my own path. Sounds like the perfect plan. I'm simply sick and tired of being sick and tired that I'm sick and tired.

September17, 2021

 Today is like every other day. I'm sick and tired of trying to wiggle my way in, I am that awkward puzzle piece that just doesn't fit anywhere.