Lost...

I have lost sight of my hopes, dreams, ambitions and desires and have turned all inward in absolute fear. I fear failure, success. I fear love and hate. I fear freedom and imprisonment. I fear for my children, my friends and my enemies. I fear for myself. I sob uncontrollably, in spurts, daily because fear has torn my flesh and feeds off of wounds that I thought were healing. It won't allow me to move forward, as hard as I try to ward it off, it fights that much harder to hold me prisoner. I am so sick of being held hostage. I know what path I must chose, and making a choice between hells fury and absolute happiness scares me. For every step forward I see that I take three steps back, and it's the fear of not knowing what lies ahead that causes me to stumble and fall backwards. I should have been hatched, because I feel like a chicken. I admit openly to all who inquire, that I am scared of living and dying, and the unknown. How do I overcome this fear then? I have tried self-help, therapy, medication (prescribed), drugs and alcohol, then take all of that away and I am in the raw. R.A.W.(recovery at work). How much longer, and how much more am I to endure before I feel at ease, some sort of peace within? I'm scared and alone right now. There are others' around me, but none to whom I would confide. I am afraid to trust another with my fears, my hopes, my whatever, I am afraid. DAMN! I am that lost soul that I hear so often referred to. I am trying to find my way, but there are so many obstacles, and I haven't much strength if any left to maneuver my way around them. Tomorrow will be another new day, as for this one, I need to put it to rest, I need to focus on something other than what lies in my subconscious and take a few baby steps, in either direction because I haven't a clue which it will be.

August 31, 2012

I am trying with ALL of my might to hold on. My hands are sore and my grip is weak, I haven't enough strength to pull myself up I need help! Please! Somebody! Anybody! Someone help me!!

I'm just a Soul whose intentions are good...

Dear Destiny...

I AM READY!

August 28, 2012

    There are so many variables involved and to pinpoint specifics seems almost impossible.  The barricades are in place, the bridge has been washed out and the waters are rising.  It is going to take a miracle to reach me if that’s what is intended, otherwise I will call off my troops and retire to the solitude of my own mind once again and this time I will not allow myself to fall prey.  Perhaps…perhaps I really am delusional and my sense of self is so warped that I will not ever truly understand. 

The Rose

Daniel Miller

                                      

                                                    And upon a day, while walking among the flowers of his teacher’s garden,

  did the child speak unto the Mystic:

“Some men claim that this life is the darkness of a curse,

and a punishment to be endured for all our wicked ways.

Oh Mystic, what say you of life?”

And the Mystic answered:

“I say that life is neither a curse nor a punishment, but a rose filled with the beauty of desire.

The stem of the rose is your life upon this earth, the thorns, painful lessons you bring unto

yourself, that you might learn. The leaves are those joys that enter your life with the tenderness of an

unseen Love.

Curse not the sorrow of your thorns, for the deeper they cut unto the heart of your being, the greener the

leaves of joy shall be.

The tiny bud is your soul, waiting to bloom with the truth of God among its petals. Slowly will your flower

unfold, that you might not become lost within the fragrance of its secret.

And when the rose is at the height of its beauty, shall you not see the pureness of God smiling from the very

center of your Being?”

They say "Elephants Never Forget!"