July 23, 2015

Feelings of complete inadequacy abound today.  Nothing I say or do pleases anyone.  Some days, more days often than not, I wish I weren't here.  I hate this life, if not for my children I would be dead.

July 20, 2015

I speak frequently of anxiety and such and in doing so only wreak more havoc within myself.  I have not felt relaxed or somewhat in what seems decades.  There is always a demon of sorts sitting on the outskirts of my subconscious waiting for the ideal moment to attack. Why is that?  I have tried exercise, meditation, mood altering drugs (prescribed) and all else that has been suggested.  Nothing seems to pacify that ravenous creature.  Perhaps I am going crazy and all that good shit. 

Anxiety...

July 7, 2015

I live by truths and when I discover that I have been betrayed by those I have trusted I want to crawl under a fucking rock and die.  It causes the mind to wreak havoc on my entire being. I built a wall and was certain I had it reinforced and I'll be damned if that wasn't good enough.  What more can I do?  There is nothing left to say.  If for one moment anyone thinks that lying by omission is acceptable then you have no morals either. 

June 29, 2015

It's amazing to say the least how I can go from one mood to the next in a matter of mere seconds.  It's as if I'm possessed by someone or something and there is no known cure for such.  How is it that I torment myself whilst others' throw the shit off their shoulders and forget about situations that may seem petty to some but horrific for others'?  How is that possible?  Can someone give me a push because I am on the edge here just hanging on by a thread, throw a match, something...anything, cause me to fall because I can't take much more of the misery in my mind.  No matter how I try I cannot escape this shit. 

June 8, 2015

I've said this time and time again not only to myself but to others' so why is it that I find it most difficult to take in the advise I can so freely give out.  Is it that my experiences may benefit others more than they do myself, or perhaps I don't want to see others' suffer the way I have or continue to do?!  I allow myself to be manipulated not just occasionally but constantly, almost daily.  My thoughts are twisted by others' words and that causes me to twist my own words creating thoughts that aren't even mine.  I am sick to my stomach learning that I have once again fallen prey.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I thought I overcame all of this, but apparently I haven't been hit hard enough with the "don't trust stick".  Lies, lies, more lies, deception, manipulation, etc...etc... WOW!

June 1, 2015

I understand that procrastination is a debilitating mind control, but for fuck sake, how much can one single individual procrastinate?